


I Know It Makes You Nervous, But I Promise You It's Worth It

by Prince_Caledonia



Category: SKAM (Spain), Skam (España)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, Emma is a lesbian of course because I said so, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Lesbian Vilde Lien Hellerud, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Nora is the fashion bicon we know and love, Nora x Viri, POV Alternating, Self-Esteem Issues, Unhealthy/Abusive Background Relationship, Viri is a lipstick lesbian, they are both useless and oblivious to each others feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23483908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prince_Caledonia/pseuds/Prince_Caledonia
Summary: “To show them everything you kept inside...Don’t hide, don’t hide”Nora doesn’t even know how dazzling she looks under the light of the phone torches around her....Alejandro certainly does though. Look at the way he’s gazing at her. And it sort of looks like Nora is sneaking sidelong glances back at him too… of course she likes him, Viri tells herself crossly. There is no other ending to this story. There’s no way Nora is into girls-A fluffy but also angsty answer to the question “what if Viri was actually in love with Nora the whole time?”AKA the other Skam España wlw love story you never knew you needed. Featuring: Nora's youtuber skills, Joana's softer side, hugs, tears, and a whole lot of bravery.
Relationships: Cristina "Cris" Soto Peña/Joana Bianchi Acosta, Elvira "Viri" Gómez García/Nora Grace, Viri Gómez/Nora Grace
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	1. Puppy Dog Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up: there is mention/discussion of Viris' eating disorder in this fic, although not until later chapters, so keep yourselves safe if you need to avoid that kind of content.  
> Also, be aware that some of Viri's thought processes are not exactly healthy regarding her body, her self worth, and her sexuality - especially in these earlier chapters. 
> 
> I'm sure you will recognise the scene where this first chapter is set, but it's the only chapter set in 'season two' in the canon timeline - the rest of the story will pick up from where season three starts.  
> The next chapter will be from Nora's POV.

[ Viri ]

_Really, it’s all Alejandro’s fault,_ Viri thinks petulantly.

_For existing. Among other things._

_Why does he have to be so hung up on Nora? That’s_ _Viri’s_ _thing, hopelessly pining from afar. She’s had a good deal more practice too, from inside her closet (which Viri imagines to be pink, of course)._

_And yet there he is, mooning over Nora. All the time. Like he is right now..._

“Wake up and smell the coffee,

is your cup half full or empty?” 

Nora croons softly into the microphone of the karaoke machine. Alejandro’s eyes don’t leave her face.

_…His arrival in their lives_ _does_ _seem to have marked the beginning of all this,_ Viri reasons _. After all, her sexual experience with him, or lack thereof, was the first time she felt that flicker of, how to say it…. obscene, undeniable homosexuality-_

“When we talk, you say it softly

But I love it when you’re awfully quiet, quiet” 

Nora continues on, utterly unaware of her part in emboldening said homosexuality. 

_-and if Alejandro hadn’t caused that particular bout of gay panic,_ Viri lets her mind continue, _then none of this mess would have happened._ _She never would have lied to him and to the girls about breaking off the sex because it hurt too much._ _Never would have put so much energy into trying to generate some sense of affection, or even lust, for him that_ _obviously_ _was never going to make an appearance-_

“You see a piece of paper

Could be a little greater

Show me what you could make her,”

Nora starts to relax into the song a little more now. 

_-Because who are you kidding?_ Viri’s internal voice spits out.  _You’re a lesbian_ _, idiot, and you’ll never be able to change that..._

“You’ll never know until you try it,

You don’t have to keep it quiet…”

Viri tries her hardest not to stare at Nora’s cherry-red lips as they form the words. 

_...But anyway, it’s definitely all Alejandro’s fault. Completely._ Viri can even understand Nora’s comparison of him to a Pomeranian. _He does follow her around like an annoying little dog. Perhaps it makes sense that she’s always preferred cats..._

“And I know it makes you nervous

But I promise you, it’s worth it

To show them everything you kept inside...”

Alejandro is still staring at Nora with big puppy dog eyes, just like a _stupid_ Pomeranian.

_...Really though, you’re being unreasonable and you know it,_ Viri sighs inwardly. _You’re lying to yourself if you don’t admit that part of the reason you showed interest in Alejandro for so long was simply because you couldn’t bear the thought of him being with Nora,_ _your_ _Nora-_

“Don’t hide, don’t hide,

Too shy to say, but I hope you stay

Don’t hide away... come out and play”

Nora’s pink tongue briefly flicks out across her lips before the next line, and Viri’s heart gives a little stutter in her chest. 

_-However,_ Viri attempts to distract herself, _her endeavour to make Nora jealous_ _had been a mostly unconscious effort. Mostly._ Viri just hadn’t anticipated the extent of Nora’s good-natured loyalty as a friend. _Which can’t be helped. She had expected Nora and Alejandro to end up together eventually just like everybody else, and she had resigned herself to accepting that fact-_

“Look up, out of your window

See snow, won’t let it in though”

The notes soar effortlessly through the room like the snow itself.

_-How was she to know that Nora was instead going to reject every one of Alejandro’s advances?_ _Something Viri knew was only for the sake of her own, nonexistent, feelings for him. Which does mean she can at least pine over Nora in peace now-_

“Leave home, feel the wind blow

‘Cause it’s colder here inside in silence

You don’t have to keep it quiet”

Nora’s ocean-coloured eyes shine, giving nothing away, and Viri’s heart _hurts._

_-But what if Nora really does want to be with Alejandro?_ Viri agonises. _T_ _hat would mean she has done something despicable. And it wouldn’t be the first time she’d managed to ruin things by betraying someone..._

_This is exactly why none of them can ever know,_ she determines. _The prospect of losing the best friendships she has ever had is too painful to consider..._

“Yeah, I know it makes you nervous,

But I promise you it’s worth it…”

Viri wonders what it would feel like to _smudge_ that perfect cherry-red lipstick.

_...It would be so much simpler if she could be as cool and confident as Cris, just_ _casually waltzing in and introducing her equally-cool-and-confident-looking girlfriend..._

“To show them everything you kept inside

Don’t hide, don’t hide”

Nora doesn’t even know how dazzling she looks under the light of the phone torches around her.

_...Alejandro certainly does though. Look at the way he’s gazing at her. And it sort of looks like Nora is sneaking sidelong glances back at him too…_

_Of course she likes him,_ Viri tells herself crossly _. There is no other ending to this story. There’s no way Nora is into girls-_

“Too shy to say, but I hope you stay” 

Nora stretches the syllables of the lyrics melodically.

_-And anyway,_ Viri resolves, _Nora_ _deserves_ _someone like Alejandro. He’s been trying so gallantly to win Nora’s favour, after all._ _She’s just some obsessive girl who selfishly faked feelings to keep them apart..._

“Don’t hide away…” 

The song is drawing to a close. 

_…Do the right thing now,_ Viri decides to be stern with herself. _Stop messing with other people’s happiness..._

“come out and play.”

Nora finishes the line simply and beautifully.

_...You have to let them be together, you’ve done enough damage._

Nora turns and beams at Viri with graceful ease, as if _trying_ to shatter Viri’s heart like a fragile christmas ornament.

Nora shouldn’t smile at her like that, wouldn’t smile at her like that if she knew Viri imagined her as anything more than a friend. If she knew how Viri wanted her... Viri feels suddenly dirty, as if her guilt has manifested itself physically to mark her as a threat to others. 

The others are all applauding and cheering enthusiastically, and the sound is harsh and ugly after Nora’s singing. It’s loud in Viri’s ears, and she wishes the din would rise up and engulf her completely, until she’s hidden from sight. But she just smiles back at Nora tightly, jaw aching as her throat works to hide the sob building there.


	2. Mallorca

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nora is forced to confront how she feels about Alejandro, gets jealous of a fuckboy, and finds herself questioning Viri's loyalty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allow me to preface this chapter by saying how much I LOVE Alejandro as a character, I really do. He is hands-down the best version of William out of the Skam remakes, in my opinion, because of how he goes about approaching Nora, the admiration he has for her, how much he is willing to change for her. That sweet boy drinks his Respecting Women Juice every morning, we have no choice but to stan. You get the picture.  
> Having said that, forgive me for how my version of Alejandro fares in this story. Please remember that it is necessary for Nora to end up with who she truly loves, and that I mean no disrespect to the canon version of Alejandro.  
> Also bear in mind that Nora is not a perfect person, she has her faults and prejudices, and I wanted to keep that part of her character too.
> 
> And finally - see if you can spot the quote I stole from Isak ;)

[ Nora ]

It's several months later, and once again, Nora catches herself phasing out during a conversation with Ale. It isn’t his fault, really. She just can’t bring herself to feign interest yet again for whatever plans he has for the engine of his motorbike. Or whatever he’s talking about. What is he talking about?

“I think we need to take some time, Nora.” Ale says again, aware that her attention is divided. He looks nervous, despite the apparent conviction in his tone of voice.

“Take some time?” she repeats, dumbly. Take some time. Oh. Take some time _out_. Some time _apart_.

“But… I thought you wanted this.” _I thought you wanted this more than I do._ She doesn’t finish the thought out loud.

“I…” Ale starts, peering at Nora’s face intently as if the words he’s searching for might materialise there, “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know.” This irritates Nora. How is she supposed to understand what’s going on if he can’t articulate it himself?

“But you know that you don’t want… this. Between us.” Nora says carefully. She decides that he deserves at least some patience on her part. Ale’s jaw clenches unconsciously. Another tendency of his that Nora finds infuriating for no good reason. Besides his inability to communicate eloquently, that is.

“I think,” he begins, and then stops again, looking away. Nora waits. “I _know_ that... I’m not happy.” Nora tries to assemble her face into what she hopes reads as ‘I’m-here-for-you-and-I’m-listening’, but she isn’t totally sure it’s not giving ‘I’m-slightly-constipated’ instead. However, seemingly emboldened by her silence, Ale continues. “I don’t know if it’s my friends being away at university, or my parents being constantly on my back, but I feel... alone. Even with you I feel alone.”

“I make you feel alone?” Nora has a bitter taste in the back of her throat.

“No, not you yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong,” Alejandro says quickly, but she refuses to look him in the eye. “Nora, I swear-”

“What are you going to say next, “it’s not you, it’s me”? “We can still be friends”? You may as well break out all the cliches while you’re at it!” Nora snaps. If there’s one thing she can’t stand, it’s feeling patronised. Especially by a guy. “You’ve not changed since the day I met you, Alejandro.” He looks genuinely hurt at that, and Nora almost regrets saying it.

“Look at me, please,” Alejandro says softly. Nora defiantly keeps her chin pointed away from him, so that he’s forced to walk around his motorbike to address her properly.“Nora, I have changed.” he stresses, with uncharacteristic conviction. “Because you were the one who made me want to stop fucking my life up.” Nora’s icy expression melts a little at that, as much as she tries to prevent it.

“But since…” Alejandro swallows, and clears his throat. “Since I stopped drinking and partying and sleeping around so much that I didn’t have to think, I…” His hands gesture uselessly at his sides. “I guess, there was a lot of shit going on in my head that was sort of… blocked out by all that.”

Nora looks at him fully, then, and realises that Alejandro is embarrassed to be admitting this. His jaw muscles are locked tight.

“Bad shit?”

“…Not great shit” he says lamely.

“So you need time to sort it out?” Nora asks slowly. She can feel her sympathetic side getting the better of her, and tries to maintain a businesslike air.

“Yeah.”

They both stay quiet for a moment, feeling the tension between them dissipate. Something else grows, rising to replace it. Acknowledgement.

Then Alejandro bursts out, “Nora, don’t you think that maybe we just don’t work together?”

And Nora lets out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in.

Alejandro keeps going; “Everything I do seems to get on your nerves, but I’m just being myself, so I don’t know how to change that, and I can’t help feeling like you should be dating someone like Jorge, who’s smart and knows about politics… and I don’t know how to have conversations like we used to, because it feels like we’ve run out of things to say to each other.” Alejandro almost looks surprised at himself that he’s said so much in one go.

“And you hate the fact that I don’t like reading books-”

“-Yes.” Nora cuts him off. She huffs out a sigh. “You’re right. We don’t work together.”

It’s something she has known from the start.

* * *

Nora’s phone vibrates, briefly distracting her from her current activity. She is leaned up against the wall glowering at the tall fuckboy trying to chat up Viri, who looks about as interesting as a slice of white bread. _I bet he thinks he’s cultured because he knows who Kendrick Lamar is_ , Nora says to herself vindictively, as she pulls out her phone. 

[Text from Emma] : “I’m on my way”

Sure you are. You probably haven’t even left yet… is what Nora wants to reply. Instead she types ‘vale, see you soon’, rolling her eyes as she does so. Nora doesn’t really expect Emma to show up to their Mallorca fundraising party; it’s probably far too tame by her standards. She’d think it was ‘cute’ at most. 

Turning her attention back to Viri, Nora is dismayed to find that she’s no longer standing next to the bar where she was, looking unfairly pretty and practically minuscule next to that big hulking guy. She must have gone off somewhere with him… Nora can’t help but feel her heart sinking.

Just then, Eva appears at her shoulder.“Nora!” she exclaims, slurring slightly. “Won’t you dance with me? Come!” But Nora resists the pull on her arms, and even though she doesn’t say anything, Eva relents. “Hey…" she tries to focus her eyes on Nora's face. "Joder, is it because of what happened today? Are you okay?” she asks. Nora shrugs. 

“Ay, sweetie. It’s okay, you don’t have to pretend to have a good time just because you don’t want to be a downer. You’re allowed to be sad.” Nora can see her struggling to act serious, and feels suddenly overwhelmed by how much Eva cares about her. Somehow, though, it makes her feel even less inclined to drag her into the mess inside her head. 

“I’m alright, really. Don’t worry about me.” Nora says, raising her voice to be heard over the loud synth pop. She forces a smile on her face, a beat too late. Eva gives her a ‘don’t bullshit me’ look, and Nora curses inwardly that Eva’s still sober enough to read her like a book. Although the angle at which she’s holding her bright blue drink would beg to differ. “You know I love you, right?” Nora cups Eva’s face in her hands. 

“I know, and you know that I love you too. But you’re deflecting.”

“I don’t know, tía.” Nora lets her arms flop back down to her sides. “Does it make me an awful person if I’m actually kind of relieved?”

“Of course not! Honey, no one can tell you how to feel. Only you know what you feel.” Eva taps her forehead knowingly, winking. 

“Thank you, guapa.”

“You don’t have to go through everything by yourself, you know, Nora… Norita, my Nora...” Nora laughs as Eva reaches out to ruffle her hair but almost over balances. That’s a surprise. It somehow feels like weeks since she’s laughed, although it was probably only about five minutes ago. 

Eva’s still reciting “Nora, my Nora,” in a sing-song voice like some strange echo, her glass now dangerously close to spilling. But then she asks “so why do you feel relieved?” - and Nora is abruptly aware of the stench of booze all around her and on Eva, and it makes her feel sick.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow, yeah? I need to go to the bathroom.” She says quickly. Eva lets her go, but continues to frown worriedly at her back - or there might be three of her, Eva’s not sure - until she’s disappeared from sight. 

Nora, meanwhile, decides to do something she’s never done before. Because she gets another text, not from Emma this time, but Emma’s girlfriend. 

[Text from Micaela]: “hope you’re taking good care of my girl for me :)”

-And now Nora doesn’t want to think anymore. She doesn’t want to think about whether Emma is going to show up, or what Micaela’s text means, or the way that she’s used Alejandro, or Eva’s unwitting devotion, or Viri’s blinding smile, her hair, her white-bread fuckboy-

It doesn’t take Nora too long to find someone to kiss, despite being a novice at this sort of thing. A girl with dark curls and flashy jewellery and not quite enough perfume on to cover up the lingering smell of marijuana, something that would have usually put Nora off.The kissing itself is messy, and without intimacy. The sickly sweet taste of some cocktail on the girl’s lips and the cold hard wall of the empty corridor that she presses Nora up against don't help either. 

I suppose this is what you would call a rebound, Nora thinks to herself, trying to shut down the part of her brain that’s screaming _you’re being very gay! In public! In close proximity to your friends!_ _And you haven’t even drunk anything!_

Well, fuck it. She doesn’t have Alejandro anymore to help her get over Viri now, does she?

* * *

It’s only a few days later when they realise that the money for Mallorca seems to be missing. Amira tells the other girls about the email she got from the travel agency reminding them that they were going to lose the special deal they had their eye on if they didn't take it soon - despite Viri having said that she’d already paid a deposit. 

Cris waits outside Nora’s classroom for her that afternoon. For a minute they just stand there, neither of them really knowing what to say. Cris, fiddling with her neon orange nails, eventually offers; “Tía, we know that Viri is no thief.”

“No, of course, I wasn’t thinking that. There’s no way she would stab us in the back like that.” Nora feels an immediate instinct to defend Viri, even though Cris isn’t accusing her of anything. 

“...But do you think we should tell the others what we know?” Cris asks hesitantly. “I mean, that Viri lies about where she lives.”

Nora sighs. She doesn’t like having to confront the idea that someone she cares about so much - too much - perhaps isn’t as infallible as she’d thought. But regardless, Cris and her had made Viri a promise.

“No, I don’t think that will help things. Even if there is some explanation to do with that, we should let Viri tell us herself. Otherwise we’ve just given away her secret for no reason.”

"Yeah, that's true," Cris nods in agreement. “I don’t understand why she feels the need to hide it anyway, though. I mean, none of us care about how much money she has.”

Nora considers this. Have they been unknowingly giving Viri the message that her social status is something to be ashamed of? Have they pushed her away without realising? Or does Viri simply have too much pride about accepting sympathy from others? Enough to make her lie to them consistently for months and months?

Cris is looking at her expectantly for a reply. “Of course we don’t care about her money,” Nora says quickly,“but it’s probably just not as simple as that.” She hopes for Viri’s sake, and the sake of her own feelings, that they are right in giving her the benefit of the doubt. How would she get over a crush on someone who’s betrayed the friendship of the entire squad?

Nora’s phone buzzes. 

[Text from Micaela]: “I can still trust you, right?”


	3. Escalation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viri contemplates her situation and her mental state, and challenges Nora's attitude. Featuring: a lot of emotions, and a few fireworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Advance warning: some of Viri's unhealthy, and downright toxic, ideas about herself are much more present in this chapter than the previous ones. Her relationship to her body image is explicitly mentioned, so please bear in mind that she experiences body dysmorphia, and that the way she deals with her anxious/harmful thought processes is not the healthiest. If you experience something similar to Viri, please talk to someone you trust about it, a parent/friend/counsellor/teacher. 
> 
> Please keep yourselves safe if you need to avoid this kind of content. 
> 
> Other than that, enjoy :)

[Viri] 

“...and I promise that I will never do anything like that ever again. Never. You girls mean the world to me.” 

Viri feels pitiful. Her voice is thin and uncertain, eyes wide as they gaze out beseechingly. 

Her own reflection stares back at her, impervious and unforgiving. Plain. 

“Joder,” she mutters to herself. She roughly scrapes her hair out of her face, presses her palms into her forehead. The words haven’t been getting any easier to say out loud, no matter how many times or in how many variations she tries them. Nor does she feel any more confident that they will work.

_They hate you now. They’re never going to want to see you again, let alone talk to you. You’ve ruined everything, they hate you they hate you…._

Viri shakes herself, dropping her hands from her head and turning herself squarely towards the mirror. She is going to practise this and she is going to get it right. 

She starts again. “I’m really sorry, to all of you…” 

But Viri has said the words so many times now that she can barely focus on what’s coming from her own mouth. She looks about as hopeless as she feels, she thinks to herself, pleading for exoneration from her own likeness. _Hopelessly ugly, hopelessly stupid, and now hopelessly friendless_ _..._

Viri’s voice peters out. It’s no use. She could go over it a thousand times and it probably wouldn’t make a difference.

For only the millionth time in the last few days, her mind drifts to Nora. More specifically, the tableau that is branded into her brain: Nora at the Mallorca party in her black and white shirt, making out with someone against the wall of a corridor Viri had glanced down on her way back from the bathroom. Not just someone. A girl.

A glimpse of a dark curly pixie cut, shiny heels, light glinting on hooped earrings that brushed against Nora’s neck as she kissed along her jaw… A glimpse, but enough to confirm one thing, the only thing that could make this situation worse. Because if Nora was attracted to girls, that meant that her sexuality wasn’t the barrier between them. That meant that Viri just wasn’t good enough for her. 

Eyes focus back on her reflection. Wanting nothing more than to get away from _that_ train of thought, Viri - quite without realising - begins to fall into an old ritual. A brutal dissection of the image in the glass in front of her: every tiny little thing that she wishes she could change about the way she looks, picked out in meticulous detail. They are like sores, wounds, continuously scratched and irritated so they have no chance to heal. Viri couldn’t hope to count the hours she had spent staring, pinching, inspecting, and crying in that bathroom. As usual, her examination starts from the bottom and works its way up, the level of scrutiny akin to a doctor assessing a patient.

Sometimes Viri does imagine herself as a patient, a misshapen lump waiting in the holy sanctuary of a cosmetic surgery reception for a magician to carve her into something divine. 

_They hate you they hate you they hate you-_

Stop. Stop! Viri makes herself stop. Even as the rehearsed self-criticisms line themselves up in her mind, clamouring for attention, she forces herself to take stock of the situation. _How do you feel?_

Viri feels exhausted; on zero battery. But mostly she feels miserable. Her whole body is heavy with it, weighing her down. She wants to make herself small, to take up less space, to shrink down and disappear so that she doesn’t have to feel anything. 

_I thought I had a grip on this_ , Viri thinks morosely, tugging at a loose thread on the hem of her top. _Now it’s just another fucking thing I can’t get right-_

Her fingers pause, still holding the strand. _Why do I always do that?_ She wonders. _Why do I let these_ _idiotic_ _thoughts control my head? How can that be?_

 _Maybe I am just crazy…_ Viri stares blankly, unseeing, at the bottles and tubs on the bathroom shelf in front of her, with labels faded and worn. _If there are voices in my head that say things I know are illogical, and I let myself be persuaded by them, then I am hurting myself on purpose. Why aren’t I strong enough to ignore them? What is wrong with me?_

She remembers the conversation she had with Mama earlier. “I need you to keep it together,” she’d said. Keep it together. That’s all she has to do. Viri is good at hiding things, and she knows it. She can keep it together. 

Viri takes a deep breath; forces herself to make eye contact in the mirror again. “You’re not going to let yourself get bad again,” she says aloud, grimly. “Stop being so selfish.”

As she wipes away the tears that have pooled in her eyes and moves to put her hair up, she begins to recite in her head: I can, I am, I am capable.

And when her Mama calls to her from the other room to ask if she feels well enough to help with the laundry, she leaves the bathroom still repeating it.

_I can, I am, I am capable…_

* * *

It’s the next day. Viri pauses for a moment at her front door, catching her breath after walking up all the stairs with heavy grocery bags. She takes her time getting her keys out of her pocket and opening the door, not in any hurry to get inside and start making dinner. Although it will be nice to get out of her stupid work uniform. It seems to get uglier every time Viri puts it on. Having said that, Viri would happily wear a bin bag to her supermarket job if it meant she didn’t have to put up with such a horrible manager. Even on a day when she hadn’t been at school for hours - although her Mama doesn’t need to know that - it was gruelling. He seemed to take such pleasure in scolding people for nonexistent offences.

She is just wondering what could have happened to that man to make him so awful, as she gets the door open and heaves the bags into the entrance, when her Papa comes around the corner. She greets him, a smile already in place, and he kisses her cheek, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes smiling back. His voice is gentle and quiet, one of the things Viri loves about him. Except that right now it’s saying, “Elvira, cariña, you have a guest.” 

The floor drops out from beneath Viri’s feet. _Shit._

_Shit shit shit, who is it? Eva? Amira? A teacher from school? Just so long as it’s not-_

Nora steps into view.

 _Fucking hell. The universe despises me,_ Viri concludes.

She has to remind herself to breathe again. The look on Nora’s face is definitely a little abashed, but in her polka dot shirt and red lipstick she still looks as pristine and fashionable and _gorgeous_ as ever. Viri’s dingy hallway becomes shabbier by the second with her there, nevermind Viri herself. Oh, joder, she’s still in that revolting outfit! Could she look _any_ more hideous? This is so much worse than when Cris and Nora came last time.

Viri’s instinctive sense of shame at the state of her flat and her appearance is quickly overwhelmed by a whole host of other emotions, as she tries to wrap her head around what is happening. Nora is here. Beautiful Nora, who she is in love with, who likes girls but doesn’t like her, is in her house. Waiting with Viri’s Papa for her to react, to say something-

“Hola, tía,” Viri manages to get out, her cheeks on fire. She clears her throat. “Give me just a minute, please.” She quickly takes off her coat, rushing to shut the door behind her as she picks up the bags again. Attempting to shove aside the thought that Nora must have by now realised why she's wearing a work uniform, Viri ushers Papa into the kitchen, hurriedly deposits the groceries on the side, and promises him that she’ll make dinner soon. He waves her away, telling her not to worry about it, and she knows that he’s happy to see she has a friend. Because that’s what she and Nora are. Friends. 

Viri turns back to Nora, who doesn’t seem to know where to look, so is mostly sticking to the ceiling, and leads her down the corridor to her room. Viri hastily pulls a jumper on over her outifit. They simply look at each other for a moment. 

Then, just as Viri feels her anxiety levels peak, Nora speaks up.

“I’ve never been in your room before.” 

“Yeah.” _Everything must look so childish to her._

“It’s nice,” Nora says, smiling tentatively at Viri. She tries to smile back but only makes it about halfway, so it comes out more like a grimace. Everything about this situation is wrong, and the fact that Nora is making small talk only highlights the tension in the room. 

“Why are you here, Nora?” Viri asks tiredly, effectively dismissing the pleasantries. She sits down on the bed heavily.

Nora looks sheepish. “I was worried about you,” she says, before quickly adding, “We all are.” She comes to perch next to Viri, who tries her best to stay calm. “You haven’t been at school for days, and you won’t answer the phone..." Viri can feel Nora looking at her, and wishes that her hair looked less dishevelled. "How are you doing?” 

Viri can’t meet her eyes. She can’t bear the fact that Nora’s being so friendly. Why can’t she just shout at her? That would be less confusing. Instead, she has to deal with this performative sympathy - when Viri knows that really Nora must be laughing at her.

_They hate you they hate you…_

“I’ve been sick,” Viri mumbles, eventually. Nora shifts on the bed, turning more towards her. Viri is immediately hyperaware of Nora’s knee touching hers, and decides to keep her gaze averted. 

“Viri, I promise you, we don’t care about the money. We haven’t told anybody about it, just that we lost the deal," Nora says. "We’ve got everything under control. Just… please come back to school.” Viri knows that Nora is trying to be comforting - but all she can think about is the girl from the party. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to keep it. You’ll get your precious holiday fund back.” 

Nora sucks in air through her teeth. “Tía, that’s not the point. Nobody was thinking you took it for yourself, anyway. It’s you we’re concerned about.” She sighs. "Look, why don't you come out with us tonight? Please?" Viri feels utterly overwhelmed, unable to process what’s going on. Did the other girls send Nora to lull her into a false sense of security? To get a confession out of her? She allows herself to meet Nora’s eyes, and is pained to find them gazing at Viri with such intensity. She is so close, Viri can smell her perfume. 

_She must think you’re pathetic._

When Viri doesn’t respond, Nora quietly suggests, “Hey, maybe you should tell the girls about where you live. You know they’re going to accept you no matter what, right?” She looks down at her hands. “I... I wish you would trust us.”

“Trust you?” All of a sudden, Viri knows what she feels. She leans in to face Nora abruptly. “Trust you, when you’re talking about me behind my back with Cris? About my personal business? I heard you.” She feels angry. Angry at the injustice of it all. “And you think it’s as simple as trust? You know nothing about my life. Nothing. What makes you think you can tell me what I should do?” Nora is taken aback, her blue eyes frantically searching Viri’s chestnut ones.

_Why does she have to look so breathtaking even when she's flustered?_

“I’m sorry, really I am.” Nora says, clearly ashamed. “I didn’t mean to… I just want to help.” This doesn’t improve matters. In fact, Viri can feel herself only getting inexplicably more agitated. 

“Help? How about leaving me alone? I didn’t ask you to come here, and I don’t need your _fucking_ help!” A part of Viri is gleeful at the sight of Nora’s face crumpling, eyebrows knitting together with worry. To see Nora suffer because of her, for once, instead of the other way around. The rest of her feels sick, sick at herself. “It’s so easy for you to say, oh you ‘just want to help’-” Viri continues on, gathering steam now that she’s started. “-You don’t have to worry about a thing, you don’t understand anything at all-” It feels like letting out every bit of stress that’s been building inside her for months. “-Poor Viri, let’s help her out to be charitable, well-” Viri is on the verge of tears now and she can barely remember why she’s even angry.“-I don’t need pity from anyone and especially not from you-” Being a lesbian, the rude manager, the money, her body, Nora, the girls, _fuck everything_.“-With your perfect house and perfect parents and perfect fucking face-” Viri begins to feel the tears flow, so close now to the unreadable expression on Nora’s face.“-You’re so beautiful and you don’t even realise it, you can find a girlfriend straight away as soon as you’re done with Alejandro-” Nora’s face does change, then, infinitesimally. 

And then she kisses Viri. 

As Nora’s lips brush hers, Viri involuntarily pulls away, a knee-jerk reaction. Her face is frozen. 

Nora looks utterly crestfallen, and opens her mouth to begin launching into an apology. Viri, quickly realising, curls her hands up in the front of Nora’s shirt and clings to her so she can’t pull back any more. “No no, I do like you, I do,” she stammers out in a rush, smiling through the tears still damp on her cheeks. Relief lights up Nora’s face, and Viri kisses her properly this time, the way she’s always imagined, except the reality is so much better than anything her mind could have come up with. Nora's lips are soft, softer than any boy's, and Nora is so gentle yet deliberate as she runs her tongue along Viri's lower lip, nudging it open. Now Viri thinks she understands why people call it fireworks. 

Pausing for breath, Viri explains, “You caught me by surprise the first time! I was in shock!” She feels giddy. Nora laughs, and Viri marvels at the sound, and then they are both giggling and crying together, holding on to one another tightly. They manage to avoid falling into total hysterics, and Viri leans in towards Nora again. 

But she stops, a hair's-breadth away. A crease forms on Viri's forehead. "Nora… did you kiss me just because you wanted to end the argument?” She quietly asks.

“No! No, I’ve wanted to do that for a long time, Viri,” Nora reassures her. She hesitates. “...But you’re right, that wasn’t fair of me to do it at that moment. I should have thought about what I was doing.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I felt so awful that I’d upset you, and then you said that stuff about, you know… I just wanted to fix things. But I should have let you speak, because I think a part of me _was_ trying to get out of the situation.”

Viri tilts her head to one side thoughtfully, the side of her mouth quirking upwards. “I am glad you did it though.” 

“I owe you a proper apology really, though.”

“Okay," Viri grins at Nora. Takes her hand. "So apologise to me now.” Nora stares at their linked hands for a nanosecond like she can’t believe what she’s seeing, before snapping out of it. 

“Right, okay, here we go,” she clears her throat dramatically. But when she begins to speak, her tone is serious. “Viri, I am truly sorry for being insensitive and talking about you with Cris like that. I’m sorry for pushing you to do something when you didn’t feel ready." Nora's gaze is steady, and Viri believes that she is trying to be sincere. "I’m sorry for assuming things, and for kissing you without asking. I’m sorry for not understanding, and I promise to do my best to understand in the future. I never want to hurt you, Viri, because you’re very special to me…”

And while Nora is speaking, Viri watches her, listening to how she articulates herself. Viri still feels pretty emotional, but she also feels peaceful. It’s only when Nora’s finished that she realises more tears have cascaded down her face and into her lap.

“Oye, you’re making me sentimental,” Viri protests, but she's laughing.

“Well, I can't help it if my words are just that moving.” Nora is quick to tease her back, her expression self-satisfied. 

Viri quickly skims her hands over her face, brushing the tears away. “Sorry, I'm a mess,” she mutters quickly as she tries to collect herself, hoping that her eyes aren’t too puffy and red.

“Hey, you don’t have to do that,” Nora murmurs gently, catching Viri’s hands and lacing their fingers together. “You don’t have to smile if you feel like crying. In fact, believe it or not, you don’t have to pretend to be anything you’re not. What you already are is more than enough.”

Viri doesn't think she could say anything in response if she tried, and is grateful when Nora pulls her in for a hug instead, burying her face in Nora’s shoulder. They stay like that for a minute, locked in embrace. They hear Viri’s post-crying hiccoughs gradually slow. Viri twists in Nora’s arms to kiss her neck, her cheek.

Nora cups Viri’s face in her hands and lightly kisses her on the nose. “Guapa. You look pretty both smiling and crying, it doesn’t matter.”

  
  



	4. I Thought Of You, AKA Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nora begins Viri's queer movie education, Viri takes a brave step with the girls, and Micaela has a chat with her favourite sister-in-law.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Portrait de la jeune fille en feu', which translates to 'Portrait of a (young) Lady on Fire, is an incredible French historical drama set in the late 18th century. If you haven't seen it, go and watch it because it's incredible - it was actually written, directed by, and stars, queer women - but also you might not entirely appreciate Nora and Viri's conversation about it without context.  
> Yes, I wrote a scene with two characters discussing one of my favourite films: all writers are selfish narcissists, okay? I promise it will also become more relevant to Nora and Viri's story later on. There are pretty minimal spoilers, though, they don't mention specific plot points so it doesn't really reveal much more than a trailer might. 
> 
> With that being said, enjoy :)

[ Nora ]

“Don’t you want to keep watching the film?”

Not for the first time, Nora is caught staring at Viri instead of at the laptop balanced between them on the bed. Nora quickly looks away, hiding her smile. “Sí, sí, I’m watching, I swear.”

“Yeah, I can see that. But it wasn’t the screen you were watching!” Viri giggles, poking Nora’s cheek. Nora doesn’t stop herself from grinning. She loves Viri being so teasing; _flirty_ , her brain supplies. Nora still can’t quite believe that they are at the flirting stage now. _Is that where we are? And what’s the next stage? ....Are there even stages?_ She wonders briefly, before turning her attention back to reality.

“Well, who can blame me, with such a pretty girl next to me?” Nora puts on a fake solemn expression. “It would be rude _not_ to admire such beauty.” She proclaims dramatically, even lightly caressing Viri’s cheek with a flourish. Nora is pleased when this comment is rewarded with a deep blush from Viri, who soon changes the subject. 

“Stop being distracting, we’re missing important stuff,” she grumbles half-heartedly, gesturing at the screen. 

“Oh, you think this is distracting?” Nora feels suddenly brave. “I can be a whole lot more distracting than that, if you want…” she remarks mischievously, leaning towards Viri again. Nora doesn’t quite recognise this side of herself, one that Viri seems to have brought out, but she isn’t complaining. Viri makes a small noise somewhere between indignation and excitement, and bats away Nora’s hand reaching for hers. 

“Behave, I’m trying to pay attention!” She objects - but she has a smile on her face. “You were the one who insisted it was _so_ important for me to see this arty foreign film, remember?”

“True, that’s true,” Nora concedes, turning her attention back to the movie. “I stand by that. Portrait of a Lady on Fire is a _vital_ part of your introduction to queer cinema,” she maintains, in her faux-serious tone of voice. 

“So… we’re going to have more days like this?” Viri asks in a casual voice, although her eyes watch Nora intently. The unsaid part of the question hangs suspended in the air between them. 

Nora holds Viri’s gaze. “Well, it would be heartless to deny you a much-needed film education, after all…” Nora says, before immediately worrying that it came out wrong. _Shit, I don’t want her to think I think she’s not smart, why did I say it like that? I probably sound so condescending._

But Viri smiles sweetly at her, simply murmuring, “I’d like that,” before tucking her head into Nora’s shoulder.

They finish the film together, the sun throwing longer shadows across Nora’s room as it begins to set. By the time the final scene has played out, the two girls both have tears silently making tracks down their faces, the bedspread getting damper by the second. For a while they lie there, letting the credits roll and the room get steadily darker. 

Then, Viri quietly ventures, “I hope some of the other gay films in your repertoire have more lighthearted endings?”

Nora chuckles weakly, sitting up to switch on her bedside lamp. “Yeah, we both got pretty emotional, huh?” _Surely this is her gentle way of saying she hated it because she’s an angel and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings._

But Viri replies, “I did like it though,” wiping the half-dried tears from her face. And then, after a beat, “It made me feel… seen? Sort of, understood. I guess that’s the best way to say it?”

“Yeah?” Nora waits for her to continue. 

“Yeah. It makes being a lesbian look so _normal._ And when you see all the domesticity… it doesn’t feel like a made up version of reality, like a lot of films.” Viri gestures expressively as she tries to illustrate it. “Do you get what I mean?” 

“Being a lesbian _is_ normal, Viri,” Nora reminds her quietly. Viri doesn’t seem to want to meet her eyes at that. 

So Nora continues on, “I love seeing all the everyday parts of their lives too. It’s like it fills in a missing piece of history, to see how women experienced the world back then.”

“Yes, but I don’t just mean that,” Viri shakes her head slightly, looking up. “I mean the love story, the way it's presented. There's a kind of authenticity."

“Oh I see,” Nora tries again, following where Viri’s train of thought leads her. “You mean the way it seems so natural, even though they're keeping it a secret?”

"Mm-hm."

“I think you’re right.” Nora agrees, thoroughly enjoying how invested Viri is in the film. “It shows their love as something truly genuine and wholesome, even though it can’t exist openly in their society.”

Viri sits up more, enthused. “Exactly, and it’s like it’s saying, ‘yes, a relationship between two women is different, but there is so much beauty in that.’”

Her eyes shine in the lamplight, and Nora can’t help but think, _there is so much beauty in_ _you_ _, and you don’t even know it._

Viri is quiet for a moment, absent-mindedly stroking the back of Nora’s hand. Eventually, she mumbles, “I’ve never seen a film… like that before.” She glances up at Nora, her expression open and candid. “Thank you.” She smiles almost bashfully.

Nora kisses her softly. “The pleasure was all mine,” she responds, and she means it.

“And, well, even if I did end up crying, at least this time I’m crying for a good reason, unlike the other day!” Viri jokes.

But this puts Nora on edge. _Yeah, remember the other day? When you made Viri fucking cry by being an asshole?_ All of the guilt that never went away begins to bubble up again instantly.

“I’m really sorry about that, again.” Nora bites the inside of her cheek anxiously. 

“No, honestly, it’s completely fine,” Viri hastens to reassure her, picking up on Nora’s distress. “There was a lot of miscommunication that wasn’t your fault, wasn’t anyone’s fault-”

“-Yeah, but I shouldn’t have been so stupid, it all came out wrong-”

“Sweetheart, listen!” Viri takes her by the shoulders, and fixes her with a determined stare. Nora tries not to get too excited at Viri calling her sweetheart. “You already apologised, remember? You gave me a wonderful apology, and you don’t owe me another one.” Viri slides her hands down Nora’s arms to take her hands. “It was good that I cried actually, I think. Let my feelings out." Viri admits. "I had been bottling up a lot of things. Which is not healthy, really. I should know better.” She frowns, ducking her head, and Nora gets the distinct feeling that Viri thinks she’s revealed too much. 

“Hey,” Nora whispers, shifting closer to Viri. “You know, you’re right, it’s good to talk about stuff. But it’s also good to forgive yourself for stuff,” she urges quietly, holding both of Viri’s hands tightly in hers. “Otherwise you just end up more unhappy with yourself, right?”

Viri looks doubtful, so Nora leans her forehead against Viri’s. “Tia, I'm telling you; I've had so many issues in the past that I wasn't able to start working on until I actually realised what was wrong and was ready to admit it. That's a really important part of it, knowing there's something you want to change. Because that's how you can start acting on it." Nora ducks her head so she can make eye contact with Viri. "It’s not a sign of weakness to acknowledge a problem, believe me. It’s the opposite.” 

Viri has a curious look on her face; she doesn’t say anything, just hugs Nora fiercely.

“You can talk to me about anything, if you need to,” Nora murmurs, stroking Viri’s golden hair. “I’m always here.”

Eventually though, she pulls away so they can lie down together. Nora holds Viri against her chest, and Viri sighs ever so quietly, relaxing against her. 

For a while, their breathing is the only sound disrupting the space. Nora finds herself thinking far too much about every point of contact between them: Viri's head on her shoulder, Viri's arms around her waist, torso pressing up against her side, Viri's knee gently touching her thigh, one of her feet tucked in between Nora's. This isn't just a platonic, friendship-type intimacy. This means something different now. 

“I think you were right when you said I should tell the girls.” Viri speaks up suddenly, after who-knows-how-many minutes.

Nora still can’t shake that itchy feeling of guilt. “It wasn’t the right moment to say it-” 

“You were right though,” Viri insists. “I’m going to invite them over for a study session,” she adds decisively. 

“That’s a very good idea.” Nora glows, kissing the top of Viri’s head. “I’m proud of you.”

Viri fidgets slightly, then, before hesitantly saying, “and… I don’t think I’m ready yet to tell anyone, not even the girls, about this. About us.” 

Nora would be lying if she said she wasn’t a tiny bit disappointed that she couldn’t tell anyone how happy Viri made her, _but making sure that Viri feels comfortable is obviously more important_ , she reasons. _No one should feel pressured to come out. Which is a thing I’ll have to do too, come to think of it… How would we even tell the girls?_

Nora feels Viri tense up a little, and realises that she’s still waiting for a response.“That’s okay, that’s totally fine,” Nora assures her quickly. But she does have one question. She turns and shuffles down on the bed so that she can see Viri’s face again. 

“Viri… what exactly is this, between us?”

Viri considers this, her eyebrows scrunching together in just the _cutest_ way. Nora begins to fret more with each passing second. _What a great idea, genius, putting her on the spot like that..._

“Baby steps,” Viri answers, after what feels like an eternity. She reaches out to stroke Nora's cheek. “That’s what this is.” 

“Yeah?" And Nora concludes that she’s happy with that. "Okay then. Baby steps.”

Viri beams at her. “I think it’s better if we go slowly. I don’t want to scare you off!” She laughs, although it comes out a little hollow sounding. But before Nora can say anything, Viri is pulling her into a kiss and Nora's entire body melts. 

It feels like hours, and at the same time still not long enough, that they spend making out. Nora feels utterly giddy, breathing in the flowery scent that clings to Viri, like lavender and violets. Tangling her hands in Viri’s curls. Tasting the skin on her neck and collarbones, making a mental note of the points that make her squirm, or her breathing hitch. 

It’s only when Viri’s long hair gets caught on one of Nora’s earrings that they have to stop. They laugh breathlessly as they struggle to disentangle themselves without ripping off Nora’s entire earlobe, Viri twisting herself at an awkward angle that only makes them laugh harder. Nora feels light, so incredibly light and floaty, and she doesn’t want the feeling to stop. 

Once their giggles have subsided, and Viri has blown her nose - “it must have been all that crying earlier,” - she decides that she just wants to cuddle for a while. So they do. 

Much later, when Viri is at the door about to leave, Nora tries desperately to think of something else to say to make the conversation go on just a little bit longer. 

“What was your favourite bit of the film?” _That’s the best that you could come up with?_

Viri looks surprised, but then answers almost immediately. “When one of the women, I think it was Marianne, says to her lover... Héloïse? That's her name, isn't it?

"Yes, that's right."

"The part where she asks her, ‘You dreamed of me?’ and she replies ‘No, I thought of you.’" Viri says it so matter-of-factly. "I like those lines.”

Nora can only look at her in awe. “Wow, I never knew you had such a good memory for stuff like that.”

Viri shrugs. "I've always liked literature," she says, winking, and Nora’s heart almost jumps out of her ribcage. It seems that Nora is making Viri bolder too. 

Nora clears her throat, and quickly asks, “What made you pick that?”

“I just think it’s a really powerful statement. It’s so unapologetic.” Viri explains, tilting her head to one side. She looks like a painting for a fraction of a second, framed by the doorway, lost in thought. “I suppose… I like the way it’s saying that she loves her on purpose. It’s not some affection or fantasy that her unconscious mind conjured up, it’s not a fleeting infatuation. She loves her knowingly, and deliberately.”

And that, right there, is what makes Nora think, _fuck. I’m so gone._

* * *

Viri is true to her word, and before the week is out, Nora finds herself sitting in Viri’s living room with the other girls for the promised study session. Not that a great deal of studying takes place, of course. There is a half hour or so of relative quiet, to their credit, punctuated by the sounds of munching on various snacks, Eva's incessant pen-clicking, and the occasional complaint about exam content. It's Viri, surprisingly, who breaks the calm. 

“I’m so happy that you guys are here,” she beams round at them, her voice full of emotion.

“It’s nice to finally see where you live,” Amira smiles back at her warmly from across the table, before quickly adding, “not that you owed it to us at all.”

“And I am _definitely_ coming back if it means your mum’s friend can hook me up with some free clothes,” Cris pipes up. Eva rolls her eyes at her, and she mouths ‘what did I say?’ back, indignant. 

“We’re just glad that you trust us, tía,” Eva clarifies.

“I do. I do trust you all, really,” Viri says. She gazes round at the girls with a look of fondness, lingering just a little bit longer on Nora, who can also detect a shadow of apprehension in her eyes. “I don’t want you to ever think that we don’t trust each other.” 

After a beat, Eva replies, “If this is about the Mallorca thing, Viri, I promise you that we’re past that.” She looks over at Viri with concern on her face. “No one is mad at you.” 

Viri nods, looking down at her hands. “I know, and I really am grateful that you’ve been so kind about it,” she mumbles, as the others all voice their objection to her need to apologise again. Viri takes a deep breath. “It doesn’t justify anything, but... I only kept it in the first place because I was scared. It didn’t look like we were going to make it to my mum’s next paycheck. My dad can't work right now, and even with my job…” Viri is speaking quickly to try and get it all out at once, but halts when she realises that of course her job is another thing she’s kept from the girls. Nora meets Viri’s unhappy eyes. Her posture is crumpling, like she’s trying to shrink herself into the chair.

Nora tries her best to silently communicate all that she wants to say just with her eyes. _You’ve got this. You’re doing amazing. I’m right here. You’re not in this alone._

Perhaps Nora is better at telepathy than she previously thought, or perhaps her encouraging smile was enough, but Viri manages to find her voice again. “I have a job that I should have told you about too. A shitty job, in a supermarket. I sell sausages,” she carries on, her voice quavering a little. “And I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed that my family wasn’t perfect and I didn’t want to deal with that on top of everything else… I didn’t want you to see me differently. And like I said, I promise that I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did...”

“But Viri, you did have a good reason.” Nora can’t help bursting out. “I’m sure we’d have wanted to help your family out anyway if we had known things have been so hard.” She turns the words over in her head, trying to find the best way of expressing them. 

“I know that you don’t want to be treated like a charity case, but helping out a friend who we love very much isn’t the same as charity.” Nora states her case earnestly, wishing that she could kiss Viri instead of simply smile at her. Viri returns her gaze, blushing as if she can hear Nora’s thoughts. “Tía, you’re so much more than just how much money your family has. And we love all the things that you are. We’re here for you, no matter what happens.”

“Damn right we are!” Cris exclaims, and the other girls all nod their agreement too. 

“Of course.”

“Sí, sí, always.”

They all end up enveloping Viri in a very giggly group hug, almost knocking the cakes off the table in the process, and Eva is extremely relieved that Nora manages to save them just in time.

“Listen, let’s talk about something a little less serious, shall we?” Cris suggests, making her way over to the window and fishing in her pocket for her packet of cigarettes. 

“Oye, you know what we should be excited about?” Eva declares, drawing the group’s attention away from Cris’ vehement search for a lighter amongst the piles of the girls’ things strewn around the room. “Nora and Jorge’s fundraising concert at the weekend, obviously!” 

They all quickly fall into intense discussions about the show; who is coming; how to arrange this or that; how nice it will be to see Nora perform… Preparations are made, lists are written, more snacks are consumed, and the afternoon comfortably lapses by. The various attempts to continue studying remain fruitless, as attention spans inevitably begin to waver again as soon as anyone remembers another urgent matter in need of debate, such as whether they should ask Joana to make another poster advertising drink prices, or how good Hugo’s rapping really is. 

It is once the conversation truly abandons any hope of remaining productive and turns to how Cris should do her hair for the event (the current front-runners being french braids, a high ponytail, or space buns), that Nora’s thoughts begin to wander. Her eyes are drawn to Viri, of course, who just looks so good in her blue sweater, one that Nora hasn’t seen before. Safe to say, Nora’s efforts to keep her focus on what is being said are lacklustre at best, something that Amira eventually notices. 

“Nora…?”

 _Shit, you weren’t listening properly, idiot._ The others turn to look at her as she quickly mumbles, shamefaced, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.” 

“Ah, don’t worry about it, I know this isn’t your favourite topic,” Cris dismisses her apology lightly, turning back to Eva and Viri. 

But Amira is still curious. “Why were you staring at Viri like she was going to disappear if you looked away?”

“I just, uh... “ Nora frantically tries to think of something to say. _Oh you know, I was just casually preoccupied with how hot she looks, in a totally normal, heterosexual way._ She somehow catches Viri’s eye over Amira’s shoulder, who seems to immediately understand what’s going on. Viri shakes her head at her almost imperceptibly ,and Nora knows it’s a reminder not to give them away.

“...I actually already knew where Viri lived," she manages to get out. "I’ve been here before, so that’s why I haven't been acting as surprised as you might expect.” Nora is so glad that she has this story to fall back on, and hopes it makes a plausible enough explanation for Amira’s raised eyebrows. “It was ages ago now. Cris and I wanted to drop off Viri’s phone when she left it at school, so we looked up her address.” She makes sure to speak fairly loudly so that Viri can hear her, and sees her visibly relax. “Viri didn’t want us to say anything about it at the time, and we promised not to. So, I was just thinking about how I’m really proud of her for telling us now.”

Amira seems satisfied with the answer, although she’s still squinting at Nora, an unreadable expression on her face. “Yes, we’re all proud of her.”

* * *

It’s evening, and Nora is just turning the corner off of Viri’s street, having left the apartment a little later than the other girls on the pretext of getting Viri’s help with some homework. Needless to say, they didn’t get around to doing anything remotely school-related. _Although_ , Nora smiles to herself, _you could say it had been an educational evening, just in other ways-_

The thought is cut short by the sound of a notification on her phone, and her grin widens as she reads it. 

[Text from Viri ]: "Let me know when you get home <3"

_She’s still thinking about me too, then…_

Nora’s smile quickly vanishes, however, when an incoming call flashes up, taking over her screen. A sense of dread grows in the pit of her stomach as she looks at the name in front of her demanding a response. _Why can’t she get the hint that I don’t want to speak to her?_

Nora sighs, but decides that she ought to pick up since she ignored yesterday’s calls. She can’t shut her out indefinitely, after all.

Nora answers the phone. “What is it, Micaela?” She asks briskly. She doesn’t feel like pretending to be friendly. 

“Ah, there she is." Micaela purrs down the line. "How’s my favourite sister-in-law?” 

“I’m fine.” Perhaps if she makes her answers short then this will be over faster, Nora hopes.

“Glad to hear it. I’m doing well too, thank you for asking. Everything alright at school, hmm?” 

_God, she’s already so nauseating,_ Nora grimaces inwardly. “Yep, school’s fine.” she answers testily, hating the artificial small talk.

"Good, good."

“Do you want to hear my recent test scores? I’m _sure_ you’ll be impressed,” Nora's words drip with sarcasm. 

“Ooh, somebody got out of bed on the wrong side today,” Micaela remarks, amused. 

Nora grits her teeth. “Somehow I don’t think you phoned just to check up on my grades. Get to the point.” 

“You think I don't care about your education?" Her mock dismay makes Nora want to throw something. "... But you’re right, I’m a little _more_ concerned about why I’ve had such a hard time getting hold of you recently. Or Emma, in fact.” Micaela’s voice is always so oversweet, cloying. Until sometimes it isn’t. 

“Emma’s been acting distant,” she snaps, “and I think it’s a funny coincidence that it started once she went back to visit you and the old folks.” Nora doesn’t like her calling their parents ‘the old folks’. They’re not even that old. 

“Are you _sure_ that she isn’t just being distant because, you know, she’s in a different country? She is physically _distanced_ from you right now, you realise.” She responds dryly, kicking a pebble down the street and imagining it’s Micaela’s face. 

“Yeah, right. I know Emma better than anyone, even you.” Micaela doesn't attempt to hide the animosity in her tone. “How do I know you haven’t told her something that’s making her act like this? 

_Oh, there it is. So that’s what this is about._

“Okay, you’re being paranoid. I haven’t said anything to her,” Nora protests, wishing that she had. “I’ve hardly even seen Emma since she came back anyway; she’s always out with her friends, and I have school and shit.”

“Which friends?” 

“I don’t know, her old friends? The same ones she’s always had?” 

“Hmm, right.” Micaela sounds like a cat deciding whether to play with or eat its prey. “And are you close with them, too? Her old friends?”

Nora rolls her eyes. “I haven’t talked to them about you either, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“So you’re sure that Emma knows nothing?” Nora can sense a note of fear in Micaela’s voice beneath the hostility. What’s more, she is beginning to tire of being interrogated. 

“If she does know something, she didn’t hear it from me.” Nora says deliberately, careful to remind Micaela that her secret could still get out, without being too inflammatory. 

Micaela is silent for a moment, and then seems to decide that she believes Nora. “Okay, Norita,” she says slowly, and Nora purses her lips at the nickname. “That’s good to know.”

“Look, I have to go now, okay?” Nora tries to take advantage of an opening in the conversation, but to no avail.

“No, I’m not done.” Micaela leaves no room for argument, and Nora huffs out a breath in frustration.

“Maybe you haven’t told Emma anything, but you’re also not going to, are you?” The sickly honey-sweet voice is back, and it oozes all over Nora, leaving her sticky and struggling to move. She has a vague thought that really Micaela is more like a spider than a cat - entrapping her victims. 

“Not that she would believe you over me anyway. You and Emma have never exactly been bosom buddies, have you? You’re so… _different_ to her.”

Nora is rooted to the spot, unable to utter a sound. Her mind helpfully fills in all the ways she’s different to Emma that she is all too aware of. Next to a sister like that, the extroverted, charismatic, daredevil-life-of-the-party Emma, Nora has always been extraordinarily unremarkable.

“She doesn’t trust you. Emma told me herself. But she especially wouldn’t if she knew… well, if she knew what I know about you.” Micaela lets her facade slip a little, venom tainting the treacly quality of her voice.

“That you’re an attention-seeking, slutty little _brat._ ” 

Nora feels like she’s been slapped in the face. 

She can only gape, still silent, as Micaela chirpily continues, “anyway, tell Emma to call me soon, will you sweetie? Thanks." Nora's hand holding the phone to her ear shakes with unspoken anger. “ _So_ lovely talking to you, but I must dash, bye now!” 

_I hate her, I hate her, I hate her._


	5. Low Fat Yogurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Viri attends Nora’s concert, wrestles with old demons, and allows herself to open up to Nora after an unexpected incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING: this chapter explicitly mentions symptoms of eating disorders (this is the chapter that mentions them the most). Please keep yourself safe if you feel you need to avoid this kind of content!  
>   
> I have avoided going into too much detail about Viri's harmful thought patterns and disordered eating behaviours in the interest of not endorsing/encouraging them; but I have also tried to keep things realistic. I think all the Skam remakes could go further in addressing the ED patterns of Vilde and her counterparts, and I wanted to do justice to those characters.  
>   
> While I did do some research on eating disorders for this project, I am by no means an expert, so please do not rely on this fic as an educational source. You can find information and resources at: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.  
>   
> If you have any queries or suggestions, feel free to drop a message on my tumblr @sucuk-with-egg.
> 
> Also - there is a little nod to David Schreibner in this chapter, if you can spot it. ;)

[ Viri ]

Sábado 

Viri had been having a great night up until now. 

The concert had managed to pull an impressive turnout, and the 2-for-1 drinks deal was serving them well. Viri had felt bad about the fact that they had to host another fundraiser after she'd lost them the travel agency deal, but the girls assured her that it would have been necessary anyway since several more people had signed up for the trip. Just thinking about the whole fiasco still raised a lot of guilt in Viri; she didn’t think she would ever forgive herself for betraying their trust like that.

 _But you can choose to move on from it now,_ Viri told herself. _At least try to have a good time tonight._

Seeing Nora perform was one of Viri’s favourite things. Obviously, she had watched all of Nora's singing videos on Youtube more times than she could count, but seeing it live was always a whole different experience. Viri thought back to the karaoke night. How heart-wrenching it had been watching what looked like a scene from a teen drama: the school’s most popular boy falling head over heels for Spain’s - no, probably Earth’s - most beautiful girl.

So much had changed since then, and not only concerning Nora.

 _One thing that certainly hasn’t changed, however, is Nora’s love for Billie Eilish,_ Viri thought to herself, as Nora launched into the opening notes of ‘my strange addiction’. Viri couldn’t remember the last time she’d been at an event like this and not felt too disconnected, or too anxious to really enjoy it. She revelled in being a part of the waves of emotion that the music created, connecting everyone in the room as they gazed up at the brightly lit figures on stage. The crowd pulsed and swayed, an excitable mass of teen hormones and shadowy limbs wielding half-empty cups and smartphones. They moved as one as they allowed Nora and Jorge to take control; cheering and whooping their delight. It made Viri thrilled to see her brave, talented girl getting the appreciation she deserved. 

_I’m so proud of you!_ She thought fiercely, willing the words to somehow traverse the space and make their way to Nora. 

Those blue eyes confidently sought her out in the crowd again and again, pinning her to the spot. Viri was reminded that she wasn’t just an onlooker anymore. Nora had chosen _her._ Every teasing glance Nora threw her way, every quirk of her lips (tonight, a deep glittery purple) that meant " I’m thinking about you" _,_ only made Viri more elated. A part of her liked how secretive they were being, that what they had together was truly only theirs. _It makes it more special_ , Viri reasoned, pushing aside the nagging thought that it couldn’t go on like this forever. 

It was as Hugo was announcing the final number of the set, however, that they nearly gave themselves away. Viri couldn’t contain her grin as she held her phone up in readiness, winking cheekily when she knew Nora could see her. Nora winked back, but then quickly averted her gaze. Viri peered round in confusion, and clocked Amira standing to her left, looking between the two of them. She had definitely noticed their exchange. Viri smiled at her innocently, but it didn’t shift the growing suspicion on Amira’s face. 

_Joder, say something!_

“So, tía, you seem happy to see Dani,” Viri commented casually, raising her voice to be heard as the song started up. She nodded towards Cris’ brother, who had shown up a few minutes prior and was already animatedly recounting some choice tidbits from Cris' extensive history of drunken antics - much to her indignation. It hadn’t escaped Viri’s attention that upon Dani’s arrival, Amira had become almost as flustered as Nora was making her. And while Viri knew it wasn’t exactly tactful to bring it up like this, she didn’t have many other options that would prevent Amira from asking, “what’s going on with you and Nora?”

But before Amira could reluctantly open her mouth to dismiss Viri’s probing remark, Viri’s phone began to ring. 

Viri felt her spirits sag like poorly aging skin as she unhappily regarded her manager’s name on her phone screen. _At this rate, I’ll look like a grandmother by the time I’m twenty, with the number of stress lines this man has given me,_ she thought bitterly _._ Nevertheless, the fear of making him more angry than he must already be, to be calling her this late in the evening, prompted Viri to pick up - before she had time to remember that she was in a noisy music venue, Nora and Jorge still in full swing. 

Now she huddles in the front entrance of the building, having wrestled her way through the people crammed inside, while trying to make sense of the voice on the other end of the phone. Away from the din, Viri can hear the boss berating her more clearly now: “... I expected better of you, this is extremely disappointing…”

Viri sighs. She had been having a great night up until now. 

Finally, when Mr Angry Manager pauses for breath, Viri takes the opportunity to apologise. “I’m really sorry sir, I know I left a little early today,” she interjects. “My supervisor said that they would manage fine without me, but I promise it won’t happen again.”

“I’m afraid that’s just not good enough, sweetheart,” he intones, unsympathetic. “You don’t get to decide your own hours, whatever the supervisor said....”

Viri has to stop herself from groaning audibly. Okay, so she’d left ten minutes early, just this once, so she could catch the train in time to make it to Nora’s gig. It was hardly going to jeopardise the entire company. _Maybe it warrants a stern warning on my next shift,_ Viri reasons, _but a whole lecture down the phone when I’m not at work, and missing Nora’s singing for that matter, is a bit much._

“...But skipping the end of your shift, although not excusable, is not the real issue. We both know that your other misconduct is far more serious.”

That brings Viri up short. “We do?” 

“Don’t try to play ignorant.” The boss - whose name is actually Señor Guerra - has a sneering voice that is almost gleeful as he prepares to deliver his full accusation. “You may not know this, but every weekend I look over the security footage from the last week to check that everything has been running smoothly.” 

_More like to try and catch us doing something wrong so that you can nag us about it,_ Viri can’t help thinking. _But what could she have done?_ She frowns anxiously. 

“As I was reviewing yesterday’s files, I noticed something _interesting,_ ” Señor Guerra drawls. 

And Viri is suddenly remembering what happened yesterday.

She had been working at the cash register for once, covering a coworker who was ill, which made a nice change from trying to convince people to try new sausage samples. There had been a young woman who came in, trailing a snotty-nosed toddler, who had a distinct ‘I’m at the end of my rope’ look in her eyes. It was a look that Viri recognised. She hadn’t commented on the woman’s unkempt appearance, trying instead to be extra cheery and helpful. But once she’d rung up her groceries, the woman discovered she was a few euros short. Shame flooded the weariness on her face. Viri had quietly pretended to recount her change, before insisting, “no, you have the right amount, Señora.” The woman looked as if she might burst into tears as she whispered a thank you, and Viri whispered back, “I’ve been there.” 

_And you’re probably going to be right back there very soon!_ Viri’s mind is screaming as she starts to go into panic mode, realising that Guerra must have seen what happened. Sure enough, he launches into a brutal assessment of her crime; failing to mention why he had been scrutinising such seemingly harmless actions in the first place. 

_How could you be so stupid?_ Viri is so angry with herself, she feels like she might be sick. She had known the supermarket had cameras, of course, but she’d assumed they were only checked when someone had shoplifted. _You should have realised you couldn’t get away with something like that, what a fucking idiot._

“...Utterly insolent, shows a total lack of respect for your employer…” 

_Mama is going to be so angry with you, we’re barely getting by as it is-_ Viri’s thoughts become more and more erratic, her breathing quickening as the realisation of what this will mean for her family begins to set in.

“Whether you like it or not, Missy, we can’t simply go around giving money to people. We’re not a damn charity, you know…” Señor Guerra might just be enjoying himself too much making Viri feel wretched, but sadly, it’s working. 

_You’re such a fuckup, you can’t even hold on to a minimum wage job!_ Viri is spiralling. _You can’t get anything right!_

“...this is a business we’re trying to run here, and we can’t afford liabilities like you.” Viri knows it’s coming, but she still flinches at the words. “You’re done here.” 

Then he throws in a vicious gut punch, casually adding, “You’re too unattractive anyway. Customers like pretty girls who smile.”

The line goes dead. 

It’s only a few minutes later that Nora pushes her way through the doors, catching sight of Viri. Her set with Jorge must be finished, then.

“There you are,” she says. “Someone said you might be outside.” Nora keeps her voice light, but Viri can sense her apprehension. She's still clutching her phone, staring at the ground and breathing deeply as she tries to prevent herself from having a full blown panic attack there and then.

“Viri? What’s happened…?” 

_Well, you’ll have to say it sooner or later._ She slowly drags her gaze up to meet Nora’s eyes. 

“I’ve been fired.”

* * *

Domingo 

01.27

_How are you going to get another job now without a reference?_

02:34

_Customers like pretty girls…_

09:48

“Look, I know you wanted to be nice, but sometimes it’s not as simple as that. We don’t have the luxury of getting to be Mother Theresa all the time.”

11:03

“Don’t worry about Mama, we’ll be fine... Cariña, don’t be so hard on yourself. Perhaps we can call this manager and sort things out, no?”

Lunes 

07:39

_If we lose our flat, it’ll be all my fault._

14:12

“Hey, guapa, you’re looking a little spaced out over there.”

23:26

_Why am I so bloated?_

Martes 

09:18

_That must have so many calories…_

12:43

“You sure you’re not hungry? You can have one of my sandwiches if you want.”

20:31

“You know that your Auntie’s not well, and now that we don’t have your income…”

Miércoles 

10:12

_How much sugar is in this?_

13:52

“Viri, I had expected you to do better on this assignment.”

15:34

_You can’t go to Nora’s house for dinner, you probably won’t be able to see them making the food. What if they put loads of salt or butter in it, or they could-_

17:28

_Maybe I should see if that new cafe near school is hiring._

Jueves 

01:53

_Nora is going to realise sooner or later that she deserves someone better._

08:13

“Tía, where did you disappear to yesterday?”

11:45

_God, I look hideous_

13:04

“Hey, Viri, over here.” 

Nora greets her with a magenta-lipstick smile from the doorway of the school cafeteria. “Come and sit with us.” She motions. She is perfectly put-together as always, her hair in a bun today, and wearing a summery blue shirt that sets off the colour of her eyes just right. 

Viri smiles back fleetingly, hastily attempting to smooth down her hair as she crosses the hallway to Nora, who is still beaming at her. “You look good today,” she whispers, when Viri is close enough to hear.

Viri glances anxiously over Nora’s shoulder into the canteen, and clears her throat. “Uh, I actually already ate, so…”

 _I really, really do not want to go in there_. 

Nora's eyebrows twitch into a small frown. “Do you want to talk?” She raises a hand to Viri’s elbow, a look of concern rapidly forming on her face. “I know things haven’t been easy, but I’m here. Whatever you need,” she offers, her voice soft but earnest.

“I’m doing okay,” Viri replies, in a strained voice. “It’s not an ideal situation, but it’s not the end of the world.” A part of her wants nothing more than to just sob into Nora's shoulder and vent about everything. _But _w_ hat if Nora decides she can’t deal with someone who has so many fucking issues? _

Viri tries to sound confident when she says, “don’t worry about me, really. I’m coping."

“Okay, I hear you," Nora says slowly. "...But do you think you’re coping in a healthy way?”

Viri swallows. “What do you mean?” 

Nora looks awkward and embarrassed, like she’s bitten off more than she can chew and is now surprised to find herself stuck with an uncomfortable mouthful. 

But then suddenly the whole room moves around Viri, walls bending, floor rushing up towards her. Viri grabs hold of the door frame in front of her as she staggers forward, her head heavy but full of cotton wool as Nora’s panicked face blurs and swims in her vision. She is desperate not to overbalance completely-

_Breathe, close your eyes. Breathe._

Viri hasn’t had a dizzy spell in quite some time, but she remembers the sensation well enough. She tries not to let it overwhelm her as she clutches onto the wall, and Nora, to keep herself upright. _You are not going to keel over in this hallway!_ Viri tells herself _. It was bad enough with Cris, but Nora would be beside herself..._

After a minute or so, Viri feels she can open her eyes. She finds Nora staring at her, wide-eyed with shock. Viri relinqushes her tight grip on Nora's forearm, but Nora doesn't let go of her, forcing her to maintain eye contact. 

“I just got a little light-headed,” Viri explains weakly, hoping to brush it off. “It happens sometimes, I think I might have, what’s that thing called, anaemia-”

But Nora is shaking her head. She’s not buying it. She takes Viri’s hand and pulls her towards the entrance hall. “Come on. We’re getting out of here.”

“I can’t, I have a class in a few minutes-”

“Viri, I know that you have a free period now.” Nora’s voice is calm and without judgement as she continues to usher Viri down the corridor. 

“Okay, but what about the girls, you just left them in the cafeteria-” Viri isn’t sure why she’s arguing back, and can feel her resolve crumbling.

“They’ll be fine without me,” Nora reassures her. Viri gives in once they reach the main door, and allows Nora to lead her to a quiet corner of the courtyard. _It is kind of a relief to let someone else take charge for once,_ Viri thinks vaguely, as they reach a small bench tucked away under a couple of trees.

But then Nora turns to her with, “so, we really need to talk.” 

Viri nods, her heart hammering in her chest.

“I’m worried about you, Viri.” Nora fiddles with the corner of her school folder, agitated. “All I’ve seen you eat since the weekend is fruit.”

Viri inhales sharply, her hands unconsciously balling into fists. _I don’t want to hear this, whatever she’s about to say._

Nora takes a deep breath. “I know that I should have talked to you about this a long time ago, but I didn’t know how. I thought maybe I was overreacting, and I didn’t want to upset you by assuming things... and then it seemed to get better, so I ended up dropping it...”

“What are you talking about?” Viri opts to feign ignorance, hoping to discourage Nora from the conversation topic.

Nora blinks at her, momentarily dissuaded, but continues. “I noticed last term, ages ago, how often you were trying out all those fad diets. Cutting out stuff - sugar, carbs, eggs, almonds, whatever. The list was always changing...” Her voice is soft, quiet, but the words still make Viri wince. She feels like a naughty kid being told off by her favourite teacher, her flushed cheeks radiating guilt and embarrassment - only this is so much worse. 

“...I saw how much you idolised all the ‘fitness gurus’ you followed online, and how you would complain about not sleeping well. I saw the way you’d compulsively check food packaging, the ingredients lists. It worried me how you wouldn’t eat if you thought other people were watching you. Or how you wouldn’t eat at all sometimes.”

Viri’s whole body feels hot, as if the humiliation is burning up inside her, boiling her alive _._

“This week… I was starting to see these things again. And I can’t not say anything-” Nora’s voice becomes more distressed, rising in pitch. "-Because I care about you, Viri, a lot, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

Viri shifts uncomfortably in the ensuing silence, staring at the peeling paint on the bench. _She knows. She knows how weak you are, how fucked up you are._ Alone with her thoughts, Viri can rationalise anything and everything. She is just trying to be healthy, what's the harm in that? It’s normal to be preoccupied with your weight when you’re a teenager, after all.

But hearing her obsessive tendencies detailed out loud (even just the more obvious ones), things that are private and secret and _hers_ \- now they paint a picture that is only ugly and shameful. And Viri is left with nothing but revulsion for herself. 

As for Nora, wonderful, brilliant Nora… _You can’t justify dragging her into this mess,_ is all Viri can think. 

“I’m okay, I’m just stressed about losing my job,” she croaks, eventually. She's not sure who she’s trying to convince more: Nora or herself. 

Nora sighs, and takes both of Viri’s hands in hers.“Sweetheart, I just watched you almost faint on me in the hallway,” she reminds her gently. Viri’s shoulders slump. “I think this is worth having a conversation about.”

“You’re right, okay,” Viri whispers shakily. She pauses for a minute, steeling herself.

Then Viri faces Nora squarely. “If you want to break up with me, I’d rather you do it now,” she states firmly. “Please. I won’t be mad at you.” 

Nora just looks at her for a second, dumbfounded, before bursting out laughing. 

“I’m being serious!” Viri protests. “It’s not fair to ask you to deal with this shit, you didn’t sign up for it.” She’s teetering on the edge of tears just thinking about losing the girl in front of her; a girl who has a peculiar look on her face, who is leaning in towards her-

Viri feels Nora’s lips meet hers before her brain registers it, and so with her eyes still open she sees the teardrops forming at the corners of Nora’s eyes beneath her lashes, threatening to spill. Nora kisses her deeply, intensely, but cradles Viri’s face in her hands tenderly. 

It’s Viri who breaks the kiss. “Why are you making this harder than it already is?” she demands, tearful and a little breathless. 

“I’m not breaking up with you, Viri!” Nora bursts out. “I want to be with you,” she insists, quieter. “I _did_ sign up for this, because I signed up for being with _you_ , which means being there for the difficult shit too, not just the fun and giggles.” Her voice is pleading for Viri to believe her. “And there will be a lot more fun and giggles, because you are going to get through this, and I am going to be here the whole time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Every malicious voice inside Viri’s head is screaming. _Nora might think she can handle it now- She doesn’t really know what it’s going to be like- You’re going to ruin her life- She’ll resent you for being dependent on her- If you leave now you can spare her the misery-_

But there’s also one faint, reedy little voice at the back of Viri’s mind, asking, _what if?_

 _What if you and Nora_ _can_ _make it work?_

_What if things do go well?_

_Are you going to throw away all the potential for happiness that’s there?_

Nora’s waiting for some sign of recognition, brushing the hair out of her face as the breeze picks up. “Okay?” She inquires timidly. 

And Viri nods. “Okay.” 

At that, she collapses into Nora’s arms, needing to be held. Nora is only too happy to oblige. 

For a while, Viri closes her eyes and just focuses on Nora’s hand lightly stroking through her hair. The sea of seething emotions and thoughts threatening to rise up and overpower her gradually subdues, leaving a relative stability. Nora’s presence helps her feel more secure too. So much so that even when Nora lightly suggests to Viri that maybe she should eat something, if she wants to avoid a more serious fainting fit, Viri doesn’t feel an immediate need to run away. 

“Do you have anything with you?” she asks carefully, pretending not to notice the relief on Nora’s face. Nora pulls out the remains of her lunch, which thankfully includes an orange. “Generally, fruit is sort of like a safe food for me,” Viri explains as she peels the orange meticulously. “At least, it’s something I know I can normally always eat without getting upset.”

“I can’t tempt you with some yogurt too, then? It’s got fruit in it,” Nora offers, having just found a small pot with a spoon at the bottom of her bag. “Yogurt is what I always eat if I don’t feel like having breakfast, it’s much easier than trying to force down something solid like bread. Oh, and it’s low fat, if that counts for anything,” she adds, reading the label. 

“What kind of fruit has it got?”

“Apricot.”

“Hmm, maybe. Apricots are okay sometimes.”

Nora doesn’t press for more information, just lets Viri finish her orange in peace, one arm draped casually over her shoulders.

Unprompted, Viri pipes up. “It’s not that I mean to get upset. I’m not just being sensitive or whatever.”

“No, of course not.”

Viri tries to think of the best way to elaborate. _How do I avoid making her think I’m a complete nutcase?_

“It’s like all these thoughts just invade my brain sometimes and start making me believe things. And there's nothing I can do about it, even when I know that I’m being irrational." She takes out a packet of tissues from her bag and wipes the orange juice from her hands. “It's terrifying, realising that you don't always have control over what's happening inside your own mind. It can be really paralysing. You can’t always tell what’s real or what’s harmful, you know? And... it’s very easy to feel like it must be your own fault somehow.”

Nora listens thoughtfully. “You know, I'm happy to remind you that it’s not your fault, whenever you like,” she offers, when she’s sure Viri has finished speaking. 

“Thank you, guapa, but you do enough just being here. Honestly. Please don’t feel like you have to fix anything. It’s my problem to deal with.” Viri kisses Nora’s cheek, before quickly getting distracted by her collarbones. _You're still in the school courtyard, idiot_ , Viri reminds herself. _Keep it together._

“Lost my train of thought for a second,” Viri mumbles self-consciously, her face flushed. "Uh, what I was going to say was... I feel more of an urge to diet and stuff when things get stressful. And you already help with that because you make me feel less stressed.”

Nora smirks at that. “Oh I do, do I?” She winks cheekily. “Well, baby, whenever you need help relaxing,” she draws the words out teasingly, running a hand lightly up Viri’s arm. “You know you can always give me a call.” 

_She called me baby oh my god-_ Viri can feel her face turning even more red, even though she knows Nora likes to joke around just to see her squirm.

“-But I do really want you to talk to me too, when you’re not feeling so good.” Nora’s still speaking, her tone sobering. “You don’t even have to explain how you feel. We can just sit together, or cuddle, or watch a movie. Or if you want to talk to one of the girls instead, that’s fine too. But if you totally isolate yourself, I don’t think it’s going to help either of us.”

Viri hesitates before responding. She picks up the yogurt pot, toying with it in her hands, while trying to reason with her instinct to shut out everything that Nora’s saying. _Maybe y_ _ou’re still just not used to the idea that you don't have to handle everything on your own_ , she thinks to herself. _You want to be strong enough to not need help._

“You’re right,” Viri eventually admits out loud, scrutinising the label that says 'low fat'. She comes to a decision, and starts to peel the lid off of the pot. “We need to communicate, even if it’s to decide not to talk. I’m sorry for shutting you out.”

Nora smiles. “It’s just a reminder. And don’t be sorry. That asshole firing you out of nowhere can’t have been fun to deal with.”

“Yeah, he wasn’t exactly… polite about it.” The yogurt tastes more sour in Viri’s mouth just thinking about it again. 

“What do you mean?” Nora is instantly on the defensive. “Did he say something creepy? Because you know we can report him-”

“Don’t worry, baby,” Viri reassures her, trying out the word and enjoying the pleasantly surprised look on Nora’s face. “He just made some comment about me being not that pretty, it’s not a big deal,” she explains dismissively. 

“Not that pretty? You?!” Nora is outraged. “Is he blind?” She demands indignantly, her eyes flashing with anger. “Who does he think he is? I bet he just wanted to get under your skin! What a cowardly thing to say, what a _bastard_ -

Despite Nora’s distress on her behalf, Viri feels a warmth spreading in her chest as she watches Nora’s impassioned outburst gradually wind down. _She wants to look after me so badly_ , Viri realises, and the notion is curiously comforting. Nora’s expression softens as her anger diminishes, and her hands come up to cup Viri’s face protectively. 

“Nora, as much as I love seeing your knight-in-shining-armour side - and I do - I really don’t think there’s much that can be done now,” Viri points out. “I don’t work there anymore, so I can’t make a complaint as an employee.”

“But he can’t talk to you like that!” Nora objects. “And the grounds for dismissing you were ridiculous anyway. What kind of cold-blooded, heartless monster does that? Surely there must be something we can do-”

“Nora.” Viri cuts her off firmly. “I don’t _want_ to do anything about it, okay? It’s too exhausting to try and argue with a childish man like that. I’d rather focus on getting another job.”

“But-”

“It’s what I’ve decided.” 

“Okay.” Nora exhales heavily. “...Sorry for pushing.” 

“It’s fine.” Viri shakes her head. “I just don’t think there’s any point, especially seeing as I technically did break the law by giving away food. I was stupid to not think about what I was doing.”

“No, what you did was extremely kind.” Nora contends. “The fact that that dickhead manager wasn’t willing to let it slide shows how much we need people like you, who choose to be compassionate when they don’t have to be.”

Viri smiles sadly. “I’m still not sure it was worth the consequences, though.”

* * *

Viernes 

Classes are over for the day. Nora and Viri stroll together down the street, unhurried, in the vague direction of a nearby park. The late afternoon still has a hint of chill about it, spring not yet fully in motion. Viri feels like she could walk forever with Nora like this, chatting about anything and everything, and it wouldn’t matter a bit where they ended up. 

They had been talking about the lecture on university applications they’d been to with the rest of the squad; laughing about how much they’d all been told off for nattering. But now the topic of university, and the future, was starting to weigh on Viri a little. 

“I don’t know why, but I feel this- I just feel like I have to be perfect all the time,” Viri’s saying, as they round the corner. “Perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect friend, perfectly beautiful… Except you can never be perfect, not completely.” Her voice changes, like milk turning sour under a hot sun. “So then you’re just stuck in a never ending cycle of reaching for it - without really knowing why you’re even still trying.”

If Nora is surprised by the shift in tone of the conversation, she doesn’t show it. “I know what you mean, it can be infuriating,” she agrees. “Although I imagine it’s more stressful for you, having to help support your family…”

“But you know what it’s like to constantly scrutinise yourself, no?” 

“I do.” 

“Right.” Viri says, not sure where she’s going with this but feeling that she wants to get something out. “For a while last year, that became my whole life. It’s all I would think about.” It hurts to recall a time when she felt so utterly lost. But it also feels right telling Nora. “Being able to control what I eat, counting my calories and everything; it was a way for me to feel grounded when everything became overwhelming.”

“A coping mechanism,” Nora offers, matter-of-factly.

“Yes. It made me feel like I had some grasp on my own life, some power.” Viri continues. “And I’m using the past tense because it _is_ mostly in the past now Nora, I swear.” She bites her lip, anxiously searching Nora’s face. “This week has just been a slip up, an accident-”

“I believe you,” Nora assures her gently. “And I don’t blame you.” 

Viri breathes a little easier. “Maybe I should explain it to you from the beginning? Or at least, from where I can start to make sense of it.” They’ve reached the park. As they walk, dappled sunlight dances across their faces, scattered by the leaves on the trees around them. It seems almost too pretty a scene for such a distasteful subject matter.

“Okay, go ahead,” Nora says. “I’m listening.” 

“I hated my body for a really long time. Being able to love it still feels a long way away, in fact.” Viri begins. “I also hated the fact that I... I’m a lesbian. I’ve never actually said that out loud before.” She glances over at Nora, feeling very exposed, and Nora smiles back encouragingly. “Anyway, back then I was kind of in denial about it. I thought that if I could just get myself to fall in love with a boy, then he could look after me and tell me I was special, and everything would be alright.” The idea sounds so immature said aloud. “Just like in a fairytale.” She laughs harshly. 

But Nora doesn’t seem fazed. “So, you chose Alejandro,” she fills in. 

“Yep,” Viri confirms, “I chose the richest, most popular boy in school - I think I liked the idea of his status - who was probably going to reject me. Except... he didn’t reject me.” Her voice modulates, from resentful to morose. “Not to start with at least. And for once, I had solid proof that I wasn’t entirely repulsive.” 

_I’m not proud of it, any of it_ , she thinks ruefully, looking over at Nora. She simply nods as she listens, remaining impassive. They’ve stopped walking without realising it. 

“I didn’t sleep with him, not properly, as you know, but... I pretended it hurt more than it did. Being with him just felt _wrong_.” Viri’s speaking quickly now, wanting to rush it out so that she can’t second guess herself. “I felt like I was weak for not being able to go through with it. Or that I was broken somehow. I kept trying, kept throwing myself at him even though I knew it was hopeless…” She deflates. “I was just torturing myself."

Nora’s looking at her with a pained expression. “Oh, sweetheart,” she murmurs.

“I know, it’s pathetic.” Viri mumbles dejectedly, avoiding her gaze.

“No, not at all.” Nora reaches out instinctively towards her, closing the gap between them. “It’s not pathetic at all. I’m just sorry that you went through that,” she clarifies, her voice a little sad. 

“Oh,” is all Viri can seem to say back. The sun is bright on Nora’s face where they’re standing, and she looks radiant even as she squints into the light. 

“At any rate, what I’m getting at is I think that was the time when it started, my bad habits. With food.” Viri tries not to let her voice falter. “Everything that made me feel bad about myself: not being able to love Alejandro, my feelings for you, my family struggling, the way I saw my body, not talking to anyone about anything - and then you and Cris found out where I lived too… It was all too much to handle, without some form of escape.”

“Hmm.” Nora looks into the middle distance, processing what Viri’s said. They begin to walk again, falling back into step together naturally. “Well,” Nora says decidedly, “I’m extremely proud of you for realising that it _was_ a problem, and wanting to stop it.” She beams, taking Viri’s hand. Viri lets her, although not before checking over her shoulder that there’s no one nearby. _Maybe she’s got a point,_ she thinks. 

“I did manage to stop it, mostly,” Viri assents, smiling back shakily. “After I fainted in front of Cris-

Nora stops walking abruptly, letting go of Viri’s hand. “You did _what?_ ”

Viri grimaces, mentally kicking herself. _Shit. How could you forget that Nora didn’t know?_

She gulps. “Yeah, uh... I may have failed to mention that…” 

Nora scowls at her, crossing her arms - although Viri can tell that she’s trying to act more pissed off than she is. 

“I’m sorry, I didn't want to freak you out,” Viri says apologetically, wanting to appease her nonetheless. “And it was after that point that I recognised how much I really was punishing myself for not feeling good enough. I was playing this sick, cruel game. Telling myself I was helping my health while knowing I was hurting myself; actively hiding it but still getting upset when no one noticed, as if it proved no one cared.” Viri is looking down in the direction of her feet, but suddenly her eyes fly up to meet Nora’s. “...Except you noticed.”

“I did.” Nora says pensively. “And I should have done something about it-” 

“Please don’t put that responsibility on yourself,” Viri cuts her off. “If you had confronted me then, I probably would have just pushed you away.” 

“Still, I could have tried.”

Viri sighs. “Nora, you didn’t know how bad things were: you couldn’t look inside my head. You only saw the surface of it.”

Nora stays silent for a beat. “I just feel like a shitty friend for letting it happen,” she confesses, her voice cracking. 

Viri links their hands together again. “It’s not a case of ‘letting’ anything happen, it’s more complicated than that. So you're not to blame.” Viri hugs her tightly. “And you’re not a shitty friend, you’re my _wonderful_ girlfriend.” 

She kisses Nora lightly on the nose, then steps back and tugs on her hand gently.“Come on. We need to get moving.”

Nora can’t suppress her grin as she follows, letting Viri lead her along the path towards home.


	6. Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Micaela’s true colours are revealed, and Emma, Nora, and Viri suffer the consequences. Featuring: missed calls, defamatory photography, tabby cats, and sisterly love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: this chapter includes descriptions of emotional and mental abuse, as well as what could be construed as brief sexual assault (a non-consensual kiss). If you recognise any of the behaviours described in a relationship you or someone you know is in, please seek help. This is a work of fiction, however, and should not be relied on as an educational source because I am not an expert. For more information and resources on abusive relationships, please see: https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/national-global-organizations
> 
> This chapter is the longest one so far and was the most difficult to write, so because it's been a while, here are a few reminders:  
> \- Nora and Viri have recently got together, but haven't told anyone  
> \- Micaela is Emma's American girlfriend (who also speaks Spanish), who has contacted Nora previously about a mysterious subject matter. Nora hates her.  
> \- Viri opened up to Nora about her struggles with disordered eating in the last chapter, after losing her job, resorting to old coping mechanisms, and almost fainting in front of Nora
> 
> Timeline-wise, the Sunday when this chapter begins is a few days after Nora and Viri talk in the park.

[ Nora ] 

For once, Nora isn’t thinking about Viri. 

It’s Sunday evening, and the last few hours of a stressful weekend for the Grace family are winding down. The sun is slipping peacefully below the horizon without a care in the world, as if nothing is out of the ordinary. Nora is wedged into a corner of the couch in the living room. Her parents, too agitated to sit down, run through the same conversation they’ve already had a dozen times; bringing up all the possible outcomes, touching all bases, collecting 200 as they pass GO. 

_They’re like some artificial intelligence computer,_ Nora thinks, _with only one programmed response to any one scenario._

Maybe going through the motions helps somehow. It is an awful feeling, waiting for news that you’re sure must be bad. Not daring to do anything but sit and worry; as if it would be some great act of betrayal to think about anything else for a second. Trying to keep your imagination from going into overdrive and tipping you over the edge into full-scale panic. 

_Please let her be safe. I just need her to be safe._ Nora can hear the desperate thoughts echoing in her parents’ voices, and the words ricochet pointlessly around the room like some stupid Windows 95 screensaver, having nowhere to go. 

She finds herself compulsively checking her phone again. No new calls or messages from Emma since Friday’s “see you later <3”. Thirteen missed calls and twenty-two messages from Micaela, since Friday. 

Nora pauses over Micaela’s texts on her phone again - she can’t help it - biting the inside of her cheek as her eyes skim over the messages. There’s nothing else she can get out of reading them, nothing she doesn’t already know. 

It somehow makes the whole situation worse knowing that even Micaela - clinging, possessive Micaela - doesn’t know where Emma is. That much is made clear by the increasing frustration in her tone. And Nora isn’t sure what’s more despicable: the fact that she has lied (by omission) to her own sister for so long, or the fact that she’s almost more anxious about Micaela’s not-so-veiled threat in the little speech bubbles glowing innocently up at her.

_[Micaela] 13:21_ : “I know you know where she is, there’s no one else she would tell.”

 _[Micaela] 15:34_ : “Come on, Nora, give me an address. I need to find her so that I know she’s okay.”

 _[Micaela] 17:46_ : “...unless you’re okay with what happened at Christmas time not remaining between us anymore?”

 _[Micaela] 18:02_ : “Nora, pick up the phone. I swear if you’ve told her anything you shouldn’t have…”

 _[Micaela] 18:53_ : “Pick up!”

_Wow, look at you, worrying about yourself,_ Nora thinks reproachfully, _while Emma could be out there dead in a ditch, for all you know._ She must be a terrible person. She’s already a terrible sister. After all, Micaela is wrong about Emma trusting Nora with her whereabouts. She hasn’t heard a goddamned thing. 

Nora’s parents have stopped pacing. Papa has gone to make yet more coffee. Her Mama stares, glass-eyed, through the weather report on the television, through the wall behind it, through to the city outside where Emma could be anywhere. It’s meant to be a clear night, the news anchor claims, so at least she won’t get rained on if she really is on the streets. 

Nora pulls her baggy t-shirt up over her knees and hugs them to her chest. She should be nothing but angry at Micaela - furious - but all she can think is how she’s let her down, let them both down. 

_Are you afraid of Micaela?_ Nora finds herself asking. She’s not sure she wants to know the answer. 

A cold, dreadful numbness begins to creep over her as she considers just how delusional Micaela sounds. _She really thinks that she can just force their relationship to work,_ Nora realises, _regardless of how Emma feels_. And Nora thinks about Micaela finding Emma first, and now there _is_ terror bubbling up-

The phone is ringing. 

No, not Nora’s phone, she realises, but the home landline in the hall. Nora hears her Papa cross from the kitchen to answer it. She tries her best to squash any hopes that it could be Emma - she never rings the landline, Nora’s not sure Emma even knows the number - and she can see from her Mama’s face that she’s trying to do the same. They sit on their respective sofas: two moons suspended in a vacuum of space. They might as well be as far apart as two moons, for all the difference it would make. They sit holding their breath together, poised to leap up if necessary, hearing Nora’s Papa talking calmly into the receiver. 

Pretty soon though, Nora’s mother can’t stand it any longer, and calls out, “who’s on the phone, sweetheart?” 

Papa pauses to shout back, “it’s Micaela,” and Nora sighs heavily, slumping backwards into the cushions. Her parents _love_ Micaela - “such an intelligent young woman!” - who always makes so much effort to engage with their overly philosophical, scholarly discussions, you could swear she was actually enjoying herself. 

“I didn’t know that you were in Madrid,” Nora catches her father’s comment, then. "When did you get here?" She freezes mid eye-roll. 

_What the hell? What the hell??_

“Oh, she didn’t mention anything. But you must stop by to say hello soon,” he continues, oblivious to Nora’s dismay, “although Emma isn’t here at the moment.” Nora can tell her Papa is having to work to keep his voice even, as her mind whirls with the news that Micaela is here, knowing that Emma can only be the reason why. 

_This is insane. That’s an insane, nonsensical thing to do. Flying all the way from America to Spain to visit your girlfriend, who’s only been gone for a few weeks, and who is due to be back at the end of the month. Ludicrous._ Nora can’t understand why her father isn’t similarly suspicious, or at least baffled, by this. _Who wastes money like that?_

“Emma’s not with you now, is she?” Nora’s Papa asks, and Nora clenches her hands into fists unconsciously - “Do you know where she might be, then?” - and relaxes them again before her nails can begin to make indents in her palms. 

From the sounds of it, Micaela is calling to check on any news there might be of Emma that she doesn’t already know. Papa reels off the hard facts down the phone, almost monotone: Emma promised to be home for dinner on Friday but hasn’t shown up at all, they haven’t had any communication from her since, none of her friends seem to know anything, the police aren’t really taking it seriously because of Emma’s track record of going AWOL and the fact she’s an adult, _and Nora is being unhelpful and selfish by not telling her parents what she knows about the poisonous Micaela, even though it could have something to do with Emma’s disappearing act._ Nora adds on the last part, mentally kicking herself as she begins to consider the possibility that Emma might have actually broken up with Micaela, or tried to anyway; which probably makes it Nora’s fault that she’s missing. 

“Yes, of course, we’re very concerned about her too,” Papa is still nattering on to Micaela, and Nora wants to rip the phone out of his hand and stomp on it. “She certainly does need protecting from herself sometimes…” But then he looks over at the lounge, right at where Nora is sitting. “Really? That’s not like her,” and Nora just _knows_ he’s talking about her. She seems to have forgotten how to breathe. Then the phone does end up on the floor, crunching horribly on the parquet flooring, because Nora’s Papa has dropped it. 

Nothing moves, for a second. Papa’s eyes are locked on Nora, hers on the phone, Mama’s on the television still. 

And then Nora experiences, not for the first time (but hopefully the last), the dreadful feeling of a choice - a pretty fucking big one, one that was supposed to be _hers,_ and hers alone - being ripped away from her. Papa clears his throat, and speaks. “Micaela said that you haven’t been answering her calls. That you were probably preoccupied with your… girlfriend.”

Nora’s Mama does look up at that.

“Girlfriend?”

Nora becomes aware, in the ensuing conversation, of really just how little her parents know her. They have a difficult time at first, reconciling with the fact that their image of Nora as the more ‘normal’ one out of their children - or rather, much more like them than Emma is: sensible, booksmart, _straight_ \- is now distorted. An uncomfortable truth to swallow, apparently. 

_I bet he must be wondering, how can it be possible that we ended up with not one, but_ _two_ _lesbian daughters?_ Nora thinks, as she watches her father attempt to conjure up a convincingly supportive smile. However, after Nora corrects the assumption that she’s gay, like Emma, and stumbles out a brief explanation of bisexuality, things unfortunately don’t get much less awkward. 

“You know, I’ve known lots of people who experimented with… _stuff_ when they were younger. It’s very healthy. But don’t feel like you have to put a label on it right now...” Mama says earnestly.

 _So close to actually being decent advice,_ Nora sighs inwardly, _yet so far._

“‘Stuff?’ You mean like drunkenly kissing another girl at a party?” Nora takes a deep breath. She needs to try and be patient. “It’s not that I feel obliged to put myself in some box or whatever, Mama, I know that this is who I am.”

Nora's Papa chimes in. “We know that things can be confusing sometimes, with so many hormones running through your body at your age-”

“I’ve thought about this for a long time, okay?” Nora is too tired to shout. “A long time. Years. And yes, to start with, I couldn’t really make sense of everything, having crushes on people, or whatever…” Nora wills her voice not to become choked up as she swallows the lump in her throat. “But I know that I feel the same way about girls as I do about boys, or anyone else. There’s no confusion.”

Eventually: “okay, honey, we hear you," Mama answers slowly. It doesn’t escape Nora’s notice that she wrinkles her nose slightly as she says it.

“So, is this… _girlfriend_ of yours anyone we know?” The forced politeness in her father's voice makes Nora want to gag. 

“No, you don’t know her. She’s just a classmate from school who I like.”

Nora goes to bed early, feeling drained, and doesn’t sleep for a long time. Eventually, she sits up and puts her headphones in, resuming her fetal position as she hugs the duvet to her knees. 

_It wasn’t supposed to go this way, all of this is wrong. What do people normally do in this situation?_ She wonders. _Emma would definitely go out and get drunk._

Nora tries to focus on the lyrics of the music, but finds herself irritably skipping about from one playlist to another, nothing sounding quite right. 

She doesn’t pick up when Viri calls. She doesn’t answer Viri’s goodnight text. 

* * *

Over the next few days, Nora can’t focus on anything at school; least of all revision for the exams that are looming in the not-so-distant future. She declines two more of Viri’s calls in between seeing her. 

The girl squad tries to be patient with Nora as they watch her attention drift again and again, even in conversations she would usually find riveting, such as Eva’s account of her date - “for the last time, it _wasn’t_ a date, really,” - okay, sort-of-date, with Jorge at the weekend. Nora had told her friends on Monday about Emma going missing, and they’d promised to keep their ears to the ground, as they smothered Nora in a group hug. But since then, nobody quite knows what else to do. 

It’s Viri, of course, who realises before too long that Emma’s disappearance isn’t the only thing weighing on Nora. And Nora comes close to telling her about what happened with her parents, including how strained things have been between them since, if not for unfortunate timing. 

They’re having lunch on Wednesday, and Viri is trying her hardest to eat something other than just grapes. Nora is trying her hardest not to count the number of grapes Viri eats - until Viri finally abandons them and stands up to dump the rest of her food. 

“Is that all you’re going to have?” Nora asks, without thinking. Viri’s face goes pink, and Nora immediately regrets opening her mouth. 

“I did eat earlier too,” is all Viri says, defensively, pressing her mouth into a line as she gets up from the table. 

_Shit, I shouldn’t have said that._ Nora is still figuring out the best way to help encourage Viri in developing better habits, and it feels like she’s failing spectacularly. She doesn’t want to start acting like a babysitter. 

“I’m sorry,” Nora blurts out, as soon as Viri returns. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”

Viri looks at her, eyes softening, and quirks the corner of her mouth up into a half-smile. “It’s alright,” she says, though her voice is quiet. “You’re just worried.” It’s a statement, not a question. Nora nods defeatedly, her forehead set in tense lines. 

Viri says her next words rather deliberately. “And I’m not the only thing you’re worried about.”

“Yeah…I can’t stop thinking about Emma.” A pause. Nora pushes cold pasta around the outskirts of her plate. _I should be the one being sympathetic, being there for her,_ she thinks. _Viri’s got worse things to deal with than a runaway sister with relationship drama._

Nora’s head is tilted down, spine hunched over the cafeteria table, but she can tell Viri’s gaze doesn’t leave her face when she asks,“is it just Emma? That you’re anxious about?” 

And Nora’s about to tell her, she’ll explain everything that’s happened- 

Oh, but there’s Nora’s phone lighting up on the table, and Nora sees Micaela’s name again at the top of yet another frustrated message from her sister’s girlfriend; her sister’s _spiteful_ girlfriend, who outed Nora to her parents, and about whom Nora knows more than she wishes she did-

She doesn’t tell Viri what’s worrying her. She covertly squeezes Viri’s wrist under the table, instead, and reassures her that, “it’s probably just exam stress, you know.” 

Nora’s stomach tightens with guilt, an invisible hand twisting at her insides. She puts her fork down, giving up on the rest of her meal too. 

* * *

To her parents’ credit, they do at least seem to realise that their reaction to the revelation about Nora’s sexuality wasn’t exactly the most tactful. However, their pointed affirmations at breakfast on Thursday morning, just before Nora leaves for school - “we love you, cariña, no matter what,” - come off more than a little empty to her. 

_It’s like finally producing a plaster from your pocket to put on a cut that needed bandaging a week ago,_ Nora thinks to herself, unravelling her headphones as she exits her house a few minutes later. _It’s pointless. It’s over and done with. There’s no reason to talk about it now._

Viri phones her then, but Nora doesn’t answer, because she doesn’t want to talk about it with Viri either. She _knows_ that she will if Viri asks why she’s upset, which she _definitely_ will, because Viri can usually always tell when Nora is upset. 

Nora tries not to think about whether or not Viri has had breakfast, or her parents’ parting words, or the idea of introducing Viri to her parents as her girlfriend. She’s so caught up - halfway through texting Eva about Literature homework, turning up the volume of the indie pop in her headphones - as she reaches the entrance to the metro station, that she almost doesn’t see it. But just out the very corner of her eye, in the mass of people milling down the steps, she glimpses ombre-d hair pulled up in a ponytail above a buzzed sidecut, a fringed red scarf she’s _definitely_ seen before, thin square glasses balanced on a pointed nose, in profile, as the young woman turns her head.

Micaela. 

Nora does not consider herself an impulsive person. Today is apparently different, however, and she surprises herself by veering off down the same tiled corridor that the ponytail is taking, away from her usual route to school. Micaela has been suspiciously quiet on Nora’s phone for the last twelve hours, and Nora would like to know where she’s going in such a hurry early in the morning - and she is in a hurry, practically shoving over commuters as she makes her way through the crowd. 

Nora’s glad she’s dressed fairly inconspicuously in dark colours today. She manages pretty well to keep Micaela in sight without giving herself away as she follows her through the underground station; winding through a left hand passage, then down some more; onto a train for fifteen minutes, air stale and claustrophobic; off again, round the corner; taking a right, up the stairs... 

Nora almost loses her as they exit along with dozens others into the bright colours and bustling noise of the street. Squinting into the sunlight, Nora holds her hand up to shield her eyes as she scans around, hurrying along the road when she can’t immediately place Micaela. She gets lucky. At the first intersection, she just manages to spot that red scarf moving out of sight around a corner. But by the time Nora reaches the short, narrow residential avenue it turns onto - not so lucky. No Micaela.

Breathing a little heavily, Nora quickly jogs up to the end of the lane, but finds it only curves round to a dead end. _Think logically._ Nora slowly walks back up the rows of buildings. _No one vanishes into thin air, so she must have gone into one of these houses._

Unwilling to give up on her pursuit, having come this far already - _you should be in maths class right now_ , a part of her brain reminds her - Nora decides to wait around at least a little bit, just in case Micaela reappears. She can’t stop herself from pacing, full of restless energy, up the street, down the street, and the more she paces, the more she realises just how senseless this whole thing is. 

_What is she doing here?_ Up the street- _Running off like that on a whim, skipping school, chasing a red scarf through town because-_ Down the street- _Because, what? Micaela isn’t to be trusted? Looks like she’s maybe doing something sketchy?_ Up the street- _Because Emma is missing and it’s probably Nora’s fault and she needs to do_ _something_ _to try and find her, even if it’s stalking Emma’s girlfriend on the off chance that Micaela will find a clue, an address, anything?_ Down the str-

And Nora walks directly into Micaela, almost literally bumping heads as she appears suddenly out of a doorway. 

“Nora.” Micaela stares at her. 

Nora stares back, at Micaela’s deflated posture, none of her usual smooth-talking, commanding attitude present at all. 

“Is Emma in there?” Nora asks numbly. 

And Micaela only nods, and brushes past Nora quickly, walking hurriedly back up the street in the direction of the metro. 

_She looks so small,_ Nora thinks, glancing after Micaela’s retreating figure, but not for long, because she’s dashing up the steps to the front door of the house where her sister is, where she’s going to see Emma again- 

And there she is, in the window of the front room, peering out at her-

There she is, in the doorframe, fresh tears tracking down her cheeks over the already dried ones-

And there she finally is, safe in Nora’s arms. 

“Oh my god, oh my god, thank god,” Nora seems to be saying as she clutches Emma tight to her, breathless with relief. “I was so worried about you! But you’re okay, are you okay?” She holds Emma out at arms length and examines her anxiously. Emma just cries and nods and pulls Nora back in. 

Eventually, they let go long enough to get inside past the threshold and close the door. Emma wipes her face somewhat dry with a sleeve and leads Nora down the slightly musty-smelling hall. The place, as it turns out, belongs to a relative of Emma’s friend Lola, who is pet-sitting the two resident cats while the relative is on holiday. Nora has a vague memory of being introduced to Lola at a party, and nods in recognition.

“Have you been here all this time?” Is the first thing she ends up asking, dozens more questions buzzing around her mind as she sinks into a squishy couch beside Emma in the poky living room.

Emma looks ashamed, not meeting Nora’s eyes.“I’ve been here since Friday, yeah. I needed to be somewhere people wouldn’t think to look.”

Nora isn’t sure whether she should be angry, but her gut is telling her no. Emma looks shaken, more shaken that Nora has ever seen her. She swallows, replying, “You mean, somewhere Micaela wouldn’t find you?”

“Except she did, in the end.” Emma says it matter-of-factly. “And it’s my bad luck that she came when Lola’s out getting groceries, otherwise Lola would have turned her away.”

Nora looks at her sister, curled into the sofa cushions, her hair in messy plaits that look like they’ve been slept in. She is pale. Her usually healthy complexion is pale, almost ashen, but beyond that, her usually fiery personality is pale; muted, colourless. _I don’t recognise you,_ Nora thinks, for a split second. 

“You and Micaela broke up.” Nora states something that she’s pretty certain about, struggling to find a foothold. 

“Yes,” Emma confirms it quietly. She lets Nora crawl over to her and put her arm around her shoulder, holding her. “It’s been a long time coming,” Emma confesses. She sounds exhausted, her face _looks_ exhausted. 

“I wish you had told me where you were,” Nora can’t help but admit, her voice coming out strained. “Or at least that you were safe.” _I wish you had trusted me with that._

“I wasn’t thinking straight,” Emma mumbles.

“Well, you’ve never been able to do that,” Nora teases weakly, and Emma rolls her still red-rimmed eyes at her. But her face becomes serious again quickly. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, tia. I was panicky, and scared. Micaela took my phone; she still has it… I didn’t want her to get to me through you.” Emma takes Nora’s hand in hers, squeezing it a little. “But that was selfish of me. I should have done something, messaged you from Lola’s phone, or found a computer, to let you know I wasn’t dead.”

Nora doesn’t reply, thinking about their mother staring through the television screen on Sunday night. 

“Oh my God, did you actually think I was dead?” Emma sits up straighter, visibly distressed at the idea. 

Nora doesn’t meet Emma’s widened, shocked eyes. “Well… It has been almost a week with only radio silence from you…” She says awkwardly. 

“I’m so sorry.” Emma pulls her into a fierce embrace. “Nora, I’m so sorry for putting you through that.”

Nora hugs her back, reassured slightly at her familiar smell. “It’s okay. I’m just glad to have you back.”

“Glad to be back, for real.” Emma lets her go. “I’ve been sleepwalking, practically, since I got here. It kind of feels like I’ve woken up from some unpleasant dream.” 

_What does that mean? What have I been missing?_ Nora asks herself. 

“Yeah, you kind of look like it too, all bleary-eyed.” She opts for humour in response. 

“Thanks, asshole.” Emma punches Nora’s arm lightly. 

“...Do you want to talk about Micaela?” 

Emma sighs. Deliberates. “She cheated on me,” she starts. “More than once. With a girl called Olga.” Nora gets a bitter taste at the back of her throat. _I should have been the one to tell_ _her_ _that._

“The most recent time was apparently a few weeks ago, just after I got here. An American friend of mine found out about it and… he sent me a photo of them kissing at some concert.”

“Joder,” Nora breathes. That part is news to her, although not really a surprise. 

“He wasn’t trying to stir up shit between us, he was doing it to be a good friend,” Emma adds. The corner of her mouth turns up, like it’s considering smiling. “I’m glad he told me, because it made me confront some shit.”

“So... you suspected something?” Nora asks carefully. 

“If I’m being honest with myself... I knew things weren’t right, let’s put it that way,” Emma concedes. “I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, I suppose,” she says softly, and she sounds so forlorn.

 _Emma is really beating herself up_ , Nora realises. _Even though Micaela is the one in the wrong_. It doesn’t make her feel any better about the part she played in this twisted little affair. 

“Why did Micaela end up coming over to Madrid anyway?” Nora is still confused about this. “Did she leave her job back in the US or something?”

Emma’s words come out a little choked up. “She never really gave me a good reason for it. It was apparently a ‘surprise’ visit, but…”

“She was checking up on you.” Nora instinctively finishes the sentence, coming to a realisation. 

“Yeah, and it totally threw me, because I had just found out about the other girl Olga a few days before. So, in my head, I was already figuring out if and how I could break up with her from a distance… And then there she was, out of the blue.” Emma balls her hands up unconsciously. “Acting like everything was Happy Families, talking about taking Mama and Papa out for dinner.”

“Did you confront her about the cheating, in the end?” Nora is almost afraid to ask. 

Emma looks almost afraid to answer. “Yes.” 

“Was it last Friday?” Nora murmurs. 

Emma nods, and shifts her weight to grab a crocheted cushion from the settee. She hugs it to her chest as she begins to speak. “She was acting… her usual way, when I brought it up-” _So, she was being unnecessarily malicious,_ Nora thinks “-and it got messy pretty quickly. She was denying everything, and I was trying to get her to listen to me, but she wasn’t having any of it; so there was a lot of pleading and bargaining and shouting. After a certain point I just wanted her to shut up and leave me alone. But she had grabbed my phone and wouldn’t give it back. Said that _I_ was the one being unreasonable, by not hearing her out.”

“But you managed to get away from her.” 

“Yeah, that’s when I rang Lola, and came here."

Nora is distracted by the part of her mind demanding, _when are you going to tell her? It’s Emma. You tell each other everything. Or you used to, at least._ And she knows that she needs to be honest, knows she needs to say it.

“Emma…” 

“What is it?” Emma frowns, turning more towards her. 

Nora says it quietly, gently, as if it might make it easier. “I knew.” 

“Oh,” is all Emma says, absorbing the information. There is a beat of silence. _Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me._

“I didn’t know about the making out at the concert,” Nora hastens to point out. “I didn’t know she was still doing it, but,” and once she’s started talking she can’t seem to stop, “I found out at Christmas time that she was doing something behind your back, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, Emma, I feel so bad about it-”

“It’s alright, Nora,” Emma interrupts her gently, a hand on her forearm. “I’m not angry.” And Nora can see from her face that she’s not. 

A large, pompous-looking tabby cat enters the room at that point, mewling an announcement of his arrival. Emma immediately sweeps the creature off the ground and into her arms, which he seems disgruntled by at first, but he soon settles down in her lap to be petted.

“This is Matheus,” Emma introduces him to Nora, and he throws her a careless glance. “The other one is Gabriel; he’s lurking about somewhere too.” Matheus proves to be quite an agreeable pet, if a little demanding, and once he’s warily sniffed Nora's hand a couple of times, scoping her out, they sit for a while just stroking him and scratching behind his ears. 

“You remember that New Year’s Eve party we went to with Micaela?” Nora ventures. She wants to give Emma the explanation she’s owed. 

“Yeah.”

“Right, well, that girl… Ola, or whatever her name was, was sending Micaela these flirty texts, I saw a few when she gave me her phone to change the music. That’s how I found out.” Emma gets a strange look on her face as she listens, and Nora has the distinct feeling that she’s resisting coming to Micaela’s defence. 

“What a bitch,” Emma says lamely, in the end. 

Nora presses on. “I told Micaela that I knew what she was hiding. I said to her that she had to tell you what was going on, or I would tell you myself.”

“Oh, Nora.” Emma sounds pitying, but also a little impressed.

Nora has to get it out. “And then, and then, she grabbed me and pulled me on her-”

“Wait, she what?!”

“-and kissed me, and I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do, but when I stepped back she held her phone up and she had taken a picture of us-” Nora's voice is rising in pitch, tinged with panic now. 

“Oh my god.” Emma has her mouth wide open, just like a cartoon character. 

“-and she said she couldn’t believe I’d thrown myself at her like that, and that she was going to show you and Mama and Papa…” Nora is feeling too many things at once to make sense of them, but she feels dampness on her hands and looks down to find tears that have dripped down off her chin and are still flowing. 

“Fucking hell.” Emma _is_ angry now, and she stands up abruptly from the couch, Matheus springing off her knees with a petulant yowl. “Fucking _hell_ ,” she mutters again, pacing back and forth a little.

 _You could have salvaged this whole thing months ago if you had just told her,_ Nora’s internal voice is screaming at her. _If you were the sister you should be, you wouldn’t have kept it from her._

Matheus begins to clamber onto Nora’s lap instead, bringing her back to reality. “I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner,” Nora gets out, her voice thick. “I’m sorry.” 

Emma stops pacing. “No, Nora listen, this is not your fault, okay?” She crouches down in front of Nora to her eye level. “It’s her, it’s all her… she’s not a good person.” Nora looks down at her, and Emma’s face is not her own. Her expression is twisted in an anguished contortion that can’t seem to decide if it represents fury or shame, frustration or sorrow. 

_Micaela, you_ _witch_ , Nora thinks. _What have you done to her? What have you done to my sister?_

Nora clasps Emma’s hands in front of her, reaching over the cat. “Are you okay?” She asks even as she notices how pointless the question is. 

“No.” 

“Come here.” And Matheus finds himself sandwiched between the Grace sisters as they awkwardly hold one another, Emma still kneeling on the faded carpet. 

“She wasn’t good for me. I know that now.” Emma mumbles into Nora’s shoulder, pulling away as Matheus starts to get impatient about his lack of access to oxygen. 

“Yeah.” Nora tucks Emma’s braids behind her ears. She pulls her back up onto the settee. “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

And Emma tells her. She talks about how charismatic, how wonderful Micaela had been, how she gave off such a powerful energy that drew you to her. Nora had seen for herself how she could easily captivate everyone in a room. She was beautiful, Nora knew, but it was in an intangible, statuesque way, she had always thought. She wasn’t warm-blooded.

Emma describes the dates they would go on, in the beginning; the great lengths to which Micaela would go to create a romantic evening. 

_“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”_

_“I know you said you’re busy tomorrow, but are you sure you don’t want to come? These tickets were really hard to get, I had to wait in line for hours.”_

_“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”_

“I had never had someone in my life before who put in so much effort to please me, who wanted to be with me all the time,” Emma says. “And she _was_ there all the time, turning up to give me surprise gifts in front of my friends, stuff like that. It didn’t feel suffocating at the time.”

_“Come on, I know you want to come to the party really. Do you want me to look like a loser all by myself?”_

_“What we have between us, keeping just to ourselves, is what makes us special. We don’t want other people ruining what we have. We don’t need anybody else.”_

“I remember,” Nora commented. “She even appeared unannounced that time we went out for Papa’s birthday. It seemed sweet.”

“Yeah, to you and everyone else,” Emma remarked bitterly. “It’s so normal for lesbians to get together in a serious way really quickly, it’s such a running joke among the lesbians I know anyway, that nobody thought it was strange at all.”

_“Don’t you remember? You said the other day that you were fine with it, silly.”_

_“I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’d probably kill myself!”_

But it had been strange, in a concerning way, Emma explains. 

_“Who are you texting?”_

_“I know that you’re going to break up with me eventually, girls like you always do.”_

_“No, it was definitely you who said that, I would remember if it was me,”_

“I mean, there’s so many things she did that I look back on now that I just can’t believe I let her get away with…” Emma shakes her head as if still unwilling to accept it. “She was always fearful about me spending too much time with other people, like I was going to abandon her if we were apart for too long. Which is ironic seeing as she was the one cheating… She lied about other stuff too. She would get angry over little things, then make it seem like it was my fault if I stood up for myself… after a while, I stopped standing up for myself.” 

_“It was only a joke. God, you can be so sensitive sometimes.”_

_“Can you maybe not say that in front of your family about us? You’re being really embarrassing...”_

_“Look, I know that you like to get touchy about this kind of stuff, but you don’t always have to make it all about you,”_

_“Why didn’t you tell me where you were? Do you not trust me?”_

And as Emma talks and talks and cries and talks, Nora begins to see a picture emerge, one that she’d only seen scraps of before. A brushstroke here or there, in the form of a backhanded compliment, a thrown-away comment, a questionable fragment of an anecdote. Micaela, Nora realises, had been slowly but steadily breaking down all the confidence, all the self esteem, self worth, self compassion - all the _sense of self_ Emma had.

_“You must have misunderstood what I said. It’s not my fault that you’re making up your own story in your head to fit how you see things.”_

_“You’re being such a control freak right now.”_

_“Why are you the only person who thinks this is a problem?”_

_“Okay, I’m not talking about this, because you’re acting delusional.”_

“I didn’t even notice how after a while I would tense up when she entered a room. I felt confused a lot of the time, like I couldn’t trust my own judgement, or even my own memory.” Emma takes a few hiccough-y breaths between sentences, trying to calm her breathing through her tears. “More than anything... I felt alone. I felt like this was how things would always be.”

_“Have you been talking to Nora about me?”_

_“I thought we agreed we weren’t going to keep secrets from each other.”_

_“I don’t believe you. Let me see your phone.”_

_“Olga? No, don’t be stupid, I haven’t spoken to her in like, years.”_

Nora thinks back to how Emma had been just before Nora and their parents left for Madrid after the Christmas break, leaving Emma with Micaela in the States. Nora had thought Emma was sad to see them go, but now she sees that it was more than that. She had a broken-down sort of hopelessness - in how distracted she seemed, how quick she was to apologise, to back up Micaela’s line of argument on everything, to let her make every decision for both of them. 

_And I could have spared her months more of languishing in that misery,_ Nora agonises, _if I’d only revealed Micaela for who she was back then._

“It was a complete fluke that I got the internship here. I wasn’t strong enough to get away from her by myself,” Emma is saying. 

“That’s because of how she was treating you. She was _mis_ treating you, Emma. That’s completely on her.” Nora can hear the pain in her own voice, knows her sister can hear how she’s hurting for her. _I wish I could just make it all okay. I wish she would stop crying._ “You were so brave to come back when you did,” Nora whispers.

“Micaela thought it was a stupid thing to apply for, that I wouldn’t get accepted anyway.”

“ _Fuck_ what Micaela thinks.”

Emma makes a slightly surprised, huffy little noise that’s almost a laugh. “You sound like Lola.” She reaches out to tickle Matheus under his chin, earning a pleased meow in response. “I owe her a lot. It wasn’t until Lola made me properly talk to her that I really... saw the situation for what it was.” 

“Yeah?” Nora gently strokes Emma’s hair, the other hand still in Matheus’ fur. 

“I hadn’t even told her about the cheating yet. But Lola told me flat out, ‘Emma, she’s toxic for you.’” Emma sniffs, brushing off her wet cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater, as she did earlier. “And I explained to her, y’know, that Micaela’s never physically _done_ anything to me, she would never do that… But Lola looked me dead in the eye and said ‘she doesn’t have to hit you to be abusive.’”

“I’m glad you’ve got Lola.” Nora grips Emma’s hand. “She’s a good friend.”

Emma nods. “She helped me realise that I needed to end it completely, no excuses.” The cat is purring now, loud enough to be heard over the girls’ voices. “So when Micaela showed up, I did. I don’t know how I did it - it almost doesn’t feel real - but I did. I knew she wasn’t going to change, really. That I couldn’t change her.”

“I’m so proud of you.” Nora smiles, really smiles at Emma for the first time since she got there. Her chest aches and she smiles at her sister as they sit together in the slightly shabby living room. “You deserve the world," she tells her. "You deserve to be loved.”

Emma smiles back, a ghost smile. “That’s the fucked up part.” She sighs, looking down at Matheus. “She did love me. We did love each other.”

“But she didn’t trust you. She didn’t respect you, as your own person.”

Emma shakes her head. “I feel like such an idiot. I let her control me, my life, for two years. I lied to everyone to protect her, including myself. I _understand_ now what she did to me, how she’s made me feel. Logically, rationally, I _know_ that she screwed me over. But there’s a part of me that just… still, somehow... feels like I’ve _disappointed_ her.”

“I know what you mean.”

A grandfather clock by the window begins to chime melodically to its corner. Nine o’clock. It’s only nine in the morning. The room is very still, dust motes coasting lazily through the air in beams of sunlight filtered in through net curtains. 

Gabriel, a smaller but fluffier tabby than Matheus, wanders in eventually, curious although apprehensive of the new visitor. He’s only got one eye, but is still very capable and eager to engage in play fighting, as they soon discover. 

They stay there on the same couch, the four of them, until Lola unlocks the front door, loaded with shopping bags. 

* * *

A week has passed. 

Nora is trying to prepare a song that she wants to record a cover of, for her Youtube channel - it’s been a while since she’s uploaded anything. Her practice isn’t going very smoothly, however; her vocal chords are slow to warm up, and reluctant to fully cooperate after a period of irregular rehearsals. 

The doorbell goes. _Great,_ Nora sighs. _Now I’m really not going to get anything done, if that’s another visitor._ There have been quite a few family friends and relatives dropping in on the family household since Emma has returned, eager to hear the details. It’s almost as though none of them can believe it unless they see her in the flesh. 

Not that Nora isn’t relieved to have her back too, of course. But she can do without the constant reminders of what she’s labelled in her mind as The Micaela Debacle. Nora is the hero of the constant retellings of Emma’s disappearance, being the one who managed to ‘rescue’ her; something which makes her uncomfortable at best and miserable at worst. As far as Nora’s concerned, the fact that she found Emma (via Micaela in the first place) and convinced her to come home doesn’t come close to making up for her past disloyalty.

Her Mama calls from the living room. “Nora, sweetie, could you get that?” 

Nora peels herself up off her chair, where she is sat cross-legged in front of a keyboard, to answer the door, dragging her feet a little as if to make a point to her mother.

_Why do I feel so drained?_

And, really, she should have known it would be Viri. 

Lovely Viri, who’s clearly noticed how distant Nora has been recently, because why else would she be standing in the doorway with a worried expression pinching her face? It’s not like they’ve really been spending that much time together just for fun as of late, between studying and stressing and vanishing sisters. 

“Hola,” Viri greets her somewhat uneasily, stepping into the hall. “How are you doing, tia?” 

_She is your girlfriend,_ Nora reminds herself. _Of course she’s concerned about how you’re feeling._ But Nora still can’t shake a feeling of irritation.

“I’m doing okay.” Nora smiles fleetingly back at Viri, giving her a quick hug. _Why are you being so stiff and awkward?_ She asks herself. _It’s_ _Viri._

“Who is it?” Mama shouts to Nora, then. 

“It’s just Viri, Mama!” Nora calls back. “You don’t have to yell so loud, you know,” she grumbles to her mother, as her and Viri pass the entrance to the lounge. 

“Good afternoon,” Viri nods, pausing in the doorframe. 

“So nice to see you, Elvira.” Nora’s Mama beams. “Help yourself to anything you want, as usual.”

“Yeah, she knows, don’t worry,” Nora says dismissively, trying to steer _Elvira_ along the corridor. 

“Don't be so cheeky with me, please!” Nora huffs out a breath, waiting as her mother reprimands her. “You’d do well to check your attitude. We’re perfectly happy for you to have guests over - who _ever_ you bring home is always fine with us, friends or otherwise - “ She says it pointedly, with a self-congratulatory smirk, “ - but I expect you to be polite, just like Viri is.” 

_Just like Viri is_. Viri, who is giving Nora a searching look after her Mama’s particular turn of phrase, eyebrows lifted questioningly. Cursing inwardly, Nora throws a half-hearted apology into the living room and pushes Viri towards her room. 

“What was all that about?” Of course that’s the first thing out of Viri’s mouth as soon as the door shuts behind them. 

“It’s nothing.” Nora crosses to her bed and sits down, avoiding Viri’s eye contact. “Mama’s just acting edgy because of all the stuff that’s been happening with Emma.” 

Viri comes to perch next to her. “Right. And… how are you feeling about that?” 

“I…” Nora looks at her properly then, sees Viri gazing so openly at her. She looks especially pretty today, Nora reckons, the front strands of her blonde tresses twisted and pulled back from her face.“I don’t really want to talk about it right now.” She shifts uncomfortably on the bed, suddenly reminded of the day they first kissed, when they awkwardly sat next to each other just like this in Viri's room.

Something flickers across Viri’s face briefly, before disappearing, and her warm smile is back. “That’s okay,” she says, although her voice is resigned. She reaches out to hold Nora’s hand, as if to reassure herself. 

“Come here, guapa,” Nora responds, taking Viri’s face in her hands, closing the distance quickly to press their lips together. _I don’t want to think about anything._ “I just want to kiss you,” she murmurs against Viri’s parted mouth. She closes her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Viri’s tongue sliding between her teeth, her knee touching hers, fingers hooking onto a belt loop on Nora’s jeans at her waist, her- pulling away? 

Viri doesn’t let go of Nora completely, still sitting close together on the bed, closer than friendship-appropriate distance. But when Nora moves in to kiss her again, Viri doesn’t let her. “Why were things so tense between you and your mama?” Viri asks gently. “Did something happen?” 

Nora sighs impatiently. “It’s just bullshit family drama, Viri. It’ll be back to normal soon.” _I’m not at all sure it’ll ever be back to what used to be normal,_ she thinks secretly. Nora leans in again, kissing gently up Viri’s neck. Viri ducks away after a couple of seconds.

“I know you said you don’t want to talk about it-” Viri starts, fidgeting with the hem of Nora’s t-shirt fretfully.

"Yes, I did just say that," Nora interjects.

“-but I think you need to talk about it at some point, whatever it is. I can see it eating you up inside.” 

Sometimes, Nora hates that Viri knows her so well. She turns away from her girlfriend, pulling up her knees and hugging them to her chest. “Okay, fine,” she concedes. “Remember Emma’s horrible, manipulative girlfriend?” _The one who made Emma basically have a breakdown that she’s definitely still not over?_

“Micaela?” Viri looks slightly confused. “They split up, right? Isn’t that why Emma ran away?” 

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Nora retorts brusquely, attempting to push aside the intrusive thought that Emma could very well run off again. “But anyway, long story short: Micaela’s an absolute _cunt_ , Emma’s way better off without her, and she’s also the reason why my parents are being so fucking _weird,_ because Micaela decided to tell them last week that I have a girlfriend.”

Stunned silence. Viri opens her mouth, closes it again. 

_Maybe I could have said that more delicately_ , Nora winces internally. 

Finally, Viri queries, “How did they take it? Your parents?”

Nora shrugs. “They weren’t thrilled,” she intones. She glances sideways at Viri, and immediately feels bad. Viri looks utterly shocked. “They’re coming around, though,” she adds, gentler. “They won’t throw me out or anything.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?” 

“I don’t know, there was a lot going on… I didn’t want you to stress about it.” 

Viri sits up straighter, frowning a little now. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, you have a lot to deal with already right now.” Nora raises her hands as if to demonstrate. “The exams, losing your job, the whole being-in-the-closet thing, your eating… issues. I knew you’d just end up worrying about me.” 

Viri is shaking her head. “But I’m worried about you now anyway, because you _haven’t_ been talking to me,” she responds, her tone becoming more frustrated. “Because I care about you.” 

“You don’t need to be anxious, Viri, I’m doing fine,” Nora tries to persuade her. 

Viri purses her lips together. “It’s not just that. This concerns me too, you know. Micaela found out somehow that you have a girlfriend, so she probably knows it’s me-” 

“See, this is exactly why I didn't want to say anything to about it.” Nora protests. “You’re right, I still don’t know how Micaela knew about us in the first place, but you don’t know what she’s like, she would have done anything to get to Emma.” Nora remembers the fear she had felt. “I was afraid that she was going to tell everyone somehow, put it online or something. I didn’t want you freaking out about that when it might not even happen - which it didn’t.”

Viri’s face is conflicted as she processes this. After a moment, though, her expression softens a little. “Nora, sweetheart.” She leans in towards Nora, golden curls falling forwards. “I know you want to take care of me, but you can't hide every bit of bad news in your life from me." She pleads her case simply and sincerely. "I want us to be honest with each other.” 

_Honestly? I’m scared for Emma._ Nora thinks. _Scared about what state her mental health must be in at the moment. And pretty much terrified of Micaela causing trouble again, seeing as she hasn’t stopped calling, even though she gave Emma’s phone back._ She hasn’t left Madrid, as far as they know. 

What she says to Viri, however, is, “I am honest with you, you know I am. But there’s some things that are better for me to handle on my own, no?” 

Viri evidently doesn’t agree. She stands up, going over to Nora’s desk, where she leans against it with her back to the keyboard that's still sitting there surrounded by abandoned sheet music, like fallen leaves. “We’re in a relationship, aren’t we?” Viri says eventually. “We’re together. So we’re supposed to go through stuff as a team.” She folds her arms. “Or is that only cool with you when no one else knows about us?”

Nora stands up too, annoyed now. “We do go through stuff together, we are constantly going through stuff together,” she argues. “Why do you think I always make sure we have lunch at the same time?”

Viri’s face tenses up at that, her mouth set in a hard line. A veritable Goldilocks, pink fluffy jumper and all, but with fire flashing in her eyes.“I didn’t ask you to do that, Nora,” she points out curtly. “In fact, I have never asked you to scrutinise my mealtimes, to keep tabs on how much I’m eating in _any_ way. You started doing that all on your own, without checking whether or not it was actually helpful to me.”

Nora is taken aback by that. _Shit. Am I really such a bad girlfriend that I didn’t realise I might be making things worse?_ She wonders. 

“I was just trying to make sure you were okay,” Nora says defensively.

Viri runs a hand through her long hair, exasperated. “Nora, this isn’t a problem you can fix by just making sure I get food into my stomach, remember? Even if it was, you can’t be with me at all hours of the day," she points out. "Just because I might polish off a decent-sized lunch in front of you doesn’t mean I’m having a good day necessarily.” 

Nora can feel her shoulders slumping as she deflates to sit back on the edge of her bed. “I’m sorry. Sometimes it just pains me to see you struggling, and... I don’t know what else to do.”

 _God, please don’t let me end up a controlling viper like Micaela. I don’t want to be that person,_ Nora finds herself thinking. _I’ve already basically been an accomplice to her fucked up little schemes._

She wants to try and articulate that (without making Viri question her sanity), when Viri tells her, “I need you to talk to me when you feel at a loss for what to do; I need you to talk to me about how you're feeling in _general."_ She huffs out a breath. "That’s the only way this is going to work. I need you to let me in, because right now you’re doing nothing but shutting me out.” 

And Nora can barely make sense of her fears and hesitations herself, let alone illustrate them to someone else, so what she says is; “I’m just a bit overwhelmed because of all this chaos with Emma recently.”

“No, you’re not, ‘just’ that.” Viri is standing up properly again now, all of a sudden. “You’re lying to yourself about the fact that you don’t know how to handle a commitment like this: me, us.” Viri snaps at her, patience lost. 

“I don’t understand what you want from me, Viri!” Nora cries. She can’t figure out how they even got to this point in the conversation. “You’re the one with mental problems, so I’m trying to be accommodating-”

She cuts herself off at the sight of Viri shaking her head unhappily, almost pityingly, at her. 

“Let me know when you get over your saviour complex and realise that you’re a human being like the rest of us, Nora.” And with that, she walks out the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative chapter title: welcome to the ‘hell week’ part of the story 
> 
> 1\. So... maybe you think I am evil and I like to put my characters through a lot of pain just for the sake of them suffering, but I do actually have Reasons for including this plotline for Emma (other than simply to create conflict in Nora's life). I adore her as a character, don't get me wrong, and I love how she is portrayed, so it did make me sad to put her through the wringer like this. But I also really wanted to make a point about abusive relationships. a) Abuse is not always physical, b) abusers are not always male, and c) abuse can happen in same-sex relationships too. Stay safe, kiddos. 
> 
> 2\. If you guessed that Micaela is based on the character of Miquel, you are correct! Congratulations. Imagine the conversation between her and Emma just before Nora arrives to be just like the one Nora has with Miquel the last time she sees him in Season 3, where she tells him that he needs to get professional help if he wants to change. Fun fact: the name Micaela is actually a feminine form of Miquel/Miguel. Shoutout to BehindTheName.com 
> 
> 3\. I know that the distant, somewhat fragile, relationship that I gave Nora with her parents is definitely an interpretation. I imagine them as liberal, well-meaning academics who aren’t as progressive and open-minded as they like to think. Season 3 didn’t really give me that much to work with, so I was basing it off of the fact that we never really see any moments of emotional connection between them and Nora, and the precedence of the original Noora character having a strained relationship with her parents (it’s probably most clearly shown in Druck, the German remake, with Mia). This way also works better for the story line I had planned out. 
> 
> 4\. Emma’s friend Lola is of course not the same person as the character Lola from Skam France, but she might be named after her...


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